tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27142415848918354072024-03-13T11:59:57.104-07:00here i ami want the freedom for the full expression of my personality.
-mahatma gandhiMACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-89912300395403193442007-08-24T20:23:00.001-07:002007-08-24T20:27:47.051-07:00another new blog. ehe.. er.Hi um.. i know you most of you guys won't be reading this, cuz i've told you i've stopped, but if you do by any chance check here, i'm just letting you know that yet again i've started a new blog, but this one is strictly for my art that i can cram onto this measley thing we call the internet, so basically poetry and photography. so when i come up with something new, it will come up on there, so please uh.. check in regularly if you can, it would mean a lot. so, the link is http://try-somewhere-else.blogspot.com, or you can just go to my profile and see my list of blogs (it should now be up to 3) and pick the one called, i believe, 'escape exhaustion'. yeah.. thanks.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-2861665523429209272007-08-04T16:41:00.001-07:002008-11-13T04:26:31.439-08:00ONE, lovey<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhektbVJQtLoj_Gq2NPsIFW6c5iBLZXYB8elfm-tYU83eutiyYaQ8-0TQgg1zNcxtspjujfoqZFX42HPHStwEY6pL_4dgJtsewY1KBzIcpeMVBdw5B0lgxvbCsbQRsBaar-mV5w7R-aPzZY/s1600-h/DSC01965.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhektbVJQtLoj_Gq2NPsIFW6c5iBLZXYB8elfm-tYU83eutiyYaQ8-0TQgg1zNcxtspjujfoqZFX42HPHStwEY6pL_4dgJtsewY1KBzIcpeMVBdw5B0lgxvbCsbQRsBaar-mV5w7R-aPzZY/s320/DSC01965.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5095001128949750946" /></a><br />i think this is going to be my last post on here for a while.. so i hope you will read at least this one, and understand me. and i hope if you ever look at your wrist, it will remind you. but first, please, listen. <br /><br />one. <br />U2. <br /><br />is it getting better<br />or do you feel the same<br />will it make it easier on you now<br />you got someone to blame<br />you say<br /><br />one love<br />one life<br />when its one need<br />in the night<br />one love <br />we get to share it<br />leaves you baby if you <br />don't care for it<br /><br />did i disappoint you<br />or leave a bad taste in your mouth<br />you act like you never had love<br />and you want me to go without<br />well its<br /><br />too late<br />tonight<br />to drag the past out into the light<br />we're one, but we're not the same<br />we get to<br />carry eachother <br />carry eachother<br />one<br /><br />have you come here for forgiveness<br />have you come to raise the dead<br />have you come here to play Jesus<br />to the lepers in your head<br /><br />did i ask too much<br />more than a lot<br />you gave me nothing<br />now its all i got<br /><br />we're one<br />but we're not the same<br />well we hurt eachother <br />then we do it again<br />you say<br /><br />love is a temple<br />love a higher law<br />love is a temple<br />love the higher law<br /><br />you ask me to enter<br />but then you make me crawl<br />and i can't be holding on <br />to what you got <br />when all you got is hurt<br /><br />one love<br />one blood<br />one life<br />you got to do what you should<br />one life <br />with eachother<br />sisters <br />brothers <br />one life <br />but we're not the same <br />we get to carry each other<br />carry eachother <br /><br />one life<br /><br />one.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-30037890020981809982007-07-29T23:22:00.001-07:002007-07-30T00:19:35.984-07:00where am i going?/open up.<a href="http://www.surreypetsupplies.co.uk/acatalog/32621.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.surreypetsupplies.co.uk/acatalog/32621.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />i'm sorry about these poems, these posts, they're becoming like the last blog: thoroughly depressing and ever enunciating these struggles. i was about to start a new blog and make it more yknow... like how this one was supposed to be "more alive, vibrant, and confident... i want to be constructive and creative." yeah, but the only problem was that i didn't feel confident or creative or constructive. i don't feel alive and glowy.. no shiny happy people. hhh. <br /><br /> "-i need to walk on, do this alone.-<br /><br /> -but you're never alone, those aren't your footprints.- "<br /><br />i mean really. to be totally honest with you still faithful friends, i feel like i'm becoming everything i always hated, everything i never wanted to be: dependent, needy, clingy. destructive, not at all confident, and strangled. like.. i want to scream this all out, but i don't know what to scream. i want to destroy this box i'm backing into, but when i try to think about it, i only cling tighter to the surrounding walls. i want to escape, but thats the only thing i can't do. <br /><br /> "-yes i am alone, i can't see anyone here.-<br /><br /> -but where do you feel them, not recognize them with your physical senses, but with your soul. open up.-"<br /><br />i'm at a total standstill, facing myself but refusing to fully look. i have no idea what to do, where to put my trust, and everytime i look at a solution i see how it will only keep me from going on. well whats the point of that? nothing is working, i don't know what to do. okay, you hear me? i don't know what to do. what more can i cry? how can i hear you?<br /><br /> "-i can't feel it, i'm closed off.- <br /><br /> -even if you close off from everything outside of you, you still have your insides, your heart, your soul, your mind. listen.-" <br /><br />i feel directionless. <br /><br /> "-i can't hear. i need to find where i'm going, i need someone to lead me there.-<br /><br /> -you know where you're going, just be quiet for a bit. listen.-"<br /><br /><br />where do we go when we can't find our leader? where do we go when we're scared and comfort around us is falling down and we need to walk on feeling ever alone, but never alone; blinded from our surroundings by our fear and our need for solitude.<br /><br /> "-lead me. lead me on.-<br /><br /> -you are going, you are being lead. open your eyes.-"MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-53163854093667165002007-07-16T14:33:00.000-07:002007-07-17T16:11:20.477-07:00my perfect picture film<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/30/Cinemaaustralia.jpg/300px-Cinemaaustralia.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/30/Cinemaaustralia.jpg/300px-Cinemaaustralia.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />the film has started, <br />it retells all that i know, <br />i can recite it<br /><br />so damn well. <br /><br />we pass all that was<br />good, or that i thought was so, <br />it goes by so fast. <br /><br />it starts to get worse, <br />the memories come faster, <br />clearer and painful. <br /><br />but i can't cry, now,<br />no, i can't scream this out loud,<br />just smile, breaking down.<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />so much seems missing,<br />or is that just me, did i <br />see more than there was?<br /><br />the script doesn't have <br />that, but i won't put it there, <br />cuz you won't listen. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />here i start, matching<br />perfectly with the scene, my<br />mouth forms the words, now<br /><br />"i wish you were gone, <br />now that you truly left me, <br />i wish you were out<br /><br />of my life. to me<br />it seems, you honestly are, <br />how else could you have <br /><br />done that? done that.. you<br />hurt me, hurt me, hurt me now,"<br />how? you stopped caring. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />this<br /><br />movie in my mind, <br />echoes and fires and lift-offs<br />passions and pages. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />everyone watched, then<br />with this anticipation, <br />as i stared and sighed. <br /><br />i knew what would come. <br /><br />he held her, he stroked, <br />he held her hand, kissed her, now, <br />and then wiped it all<br /><br />away.<br /><br />it wasn't just once, <br />it wasn't just twice now, no, <br />this happened in time. <br /><br />and all of it, now<br />all washed away, taken back, <br />how could she respond?<br /><br />i saw it and i<br />wanted to blast out with words<br />i would never say.<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />"oh turn aside, now, <br />leave me be now, with this black.<br />faded, jaded black."<br /><br />and then he left, yes, <br />left her there, her mind shredded, <br />her soul torn, her heart <br /><br />blinking in the shade.<br />taking in those shadows, that<br />repeat and replay<br /><br />what he had done, what<br />he had been, mumbled to her,<br />the lies, the lies, now. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />and it makes her feel<br />so bad, now, but why, when she <br />wants this? doesn't she?<br /><br />its all so clear, now, <br />its all so perfectly dead, <br />why couldn't she see?<br /><br />its all of it, all <br />of it now, too much to read, <br />can't they start over? <br /><br />no, why would she go<br />back there, its never good, it<br />is artificial. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />so, she bites, <br /><br />"and you don't care, now,<br />and you won't speak my name, no,<br />i won't let you come.<br /><br />all i may know now, <br />is that you are one big lie, <br />one falsity here. <br /><br />thats all thats left now,"<br />theres no picturesque ending, <br />nothing like she dreamed. <br /><br />and she did dream. <br /><br />the credits role on, <br />our names hiking by, just like<br />everyone elses. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />to the world we are<br />just names, or words, or numbers,<br />but i know we were<br /><br />something once, oh yes, <br />i used to think as long as <br />i knew you, and while<br /><br />you knew me, that was<br />all we needed. there was that<br />one night where i felt<br /><br />one heart beat.<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />i see our names and<br />they are sep'rate now, not one.<br />and the screen goes black. <br /><br />and i know its done, <br />know its over with no last<br />bit of film, because<br /><br />there is no hope here, <br />no end to that dream with the<br />red confetti, now. <br /><br />it just<br /><br />runs on with you, then, <br />walking back down the grunge-filled<br />alley, you won't turn. <br /><br />not ever, not now. <br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />i feel no relief<br />though, and now i must wonder, <br />when it waters down, <br /><br />is it what we need,<br />or more of what we want, now? <br />and i can't decide<br /><br />which it truly is<br />that i am ridding myself<br />of. do i need you?<br /><br />now that i don't want<br />you, now that you are gone. is<br />this how it goes on?<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />no, no, no, no, no.<br />fade away now, fade to black, <br />get away, get out.<br /><br />------------------------------<br /><br />can i just walk out, <br />close the doors on the theatre <br />that played my nightmare. <br /><br />is it really that<br />easy now, just to leave this?<br />is there something left<br /><br />to say, to do, or<br />anything more i need now, <br />any more i want?<br /><br />or is there a whole<br />new chapter, one i'm hopeless<br />about? where is this?<br /><br />what, now?MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-85080016810550125732007-07-13T16:18:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:31.611-08:00oh, just feeling a little bit lonely, just feeling a bit on my own (oh, deja vu)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCrvOR28ECnoqTTJWXfHcLC4Dzr6pykBGbjBsGNAckhsuPGxBI41C5PtYdwvTRtGBt9t0yEMORfZqZ9zlgTWtXb9QUXNwDvjudThwSEoQ19oGO2pRs2cc_V5doFxgd_ptgpxyNy6tExKU1/s1600-h/DSC02486.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCrvOR28ECnoqTTJWXfHcLC4Dzr6pykBGbjBsGNAckhsuPGxBI41C5PtYdwvTRtGBt9t0yEMORfZqZ9zlgTWtXb9QUXNwDvjudThwSEoQ19oGO2pRs2cc_V5doFxgd_ptgpxyNy6tExKU1/s320/DSC02486.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5086831712909299794" /></a><br />i am so cold, i feel so cold. i just need some comfort. i just want to know someone is there; here.<br />i just need to be hugged, held, helped, felt. i need to feel. feel some other presence besides my own. <br /><br />(just a bit of deja vu)<br /><br />it’s happening again. i feel so stuck in this blasted solitude. and i’m not sure i will ever be warmed again. <br /><br />losing faith.<br /><br />(just feel a little deja vu)<br /><br />all l’m looking for is warmth and light, but i’m looking in all the wrong places. i know where to look but i am just... hesitant. <br /><br />hesitant to look into what i am not sure is there.. i mean i know it is there, i’ve felt it for pete’s sake but.. i just, don’t believe that what i want is in that place. so i try to find it in places that are visible, physical, easy to believe. but oh, how wrong i am for putting my faith there. i try to get myself to think that what i want is in these places where it is truly so absent…or just impossible to be. <br /><br />(feeling a little deja vu, deja vu)<br /><br />to clear things up, i want what i want in the places i want (where what i want is not wanted), not in places i don’t know if i can want because what i want might not be where i want or what i want, for that matter. i am hesitant to get rid of the lies and start seeing some truth. <br /><br />and<br /><br />i need you so much closer. <br /><br />(transatlanticism, death cab for cutie)MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-9477428483026797032007-07-02T19:21:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:31.755-08:00(flush) say goodbye<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5GKwtCdFAKjmxZg8Otjdh0e1dp_NL1iVih-w0AnGEoXht2fBNz22yP3b47rxt1ix6sumBOhhtI_HdlpRwQrKpzoh2Vb8jwQ_V5CKH7DBLp15VC3LNsCAZ0E1Qz4yYOWNoO-10TNq_HFf/s1600-h/DSC02394.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5GKwtCdFAKjmxZg8Otjdh0e1dp_NL1iVih-w0AnGEoXht2fBNz22yP3b47rxt1ix6sumBOhhtI_HdlpRwQrKpzoh2Vb8jwQ_V5CKH7DBLp15VC3LNsCAZ0E1Qz4yYOWNoO-10TNq_HFf/s320/DSC02394.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5082848955362120594" /></a><br />bleh. its all going down. somebody around here flushed the toilet i live in and everything here is whirlying its way down. <br /><br />my relationships are crumbling, one by one, leaving me distanced and empty. i feel abandoned. but, oh yes, there is good reason for this fleeing of my friends. i make too many mistakes too many times.. i'm just too much. <br /><br />but all of this rubble is leaving me blind of what i do have here for me. but i'm so scared, so faithless.. scared to see if the rest have all gone, and at the same time scared to see if they are still there, because it will only leave me not believing that they'll stay. <br /><br />the absentness is already shaking up my knees, and i know its coming for my heart. but i shall build up this rubble of ruined relationships and protect myself behind a wall once more. <br /><br />and now, my only outlet, sports, is gone too. i have no way to get it off my shoulders and feel the adrenaline rush through me and lead all the rottenness out my lungs. away from my heart. <br /><br />i can't do any volleyball, i am so out of it, it all feels so wrong, so backwards. i can't play soccer, can't dribble, can't kick, can't keep it up. i can't throw a baseball, can't catch, can't get into the movement. all i can do is run. and run. and run. but i'm so tired of running, but my legs keep pressing on, trying to run away from all this mess, but the poison never can leave my chest, and i fall heaving, surrounded by my failed..sanity. blast. <br /><br />let me cry for now tonight, love.<br />say you'll catch my shame-filled tears, <br />tell me you'll take them to turn them,<br />and show them of times<br />when they<br />could burn and breathe and become the <br />stars we'd look to in darkness, <br />when we'd be dancing and daring,<br />and all we needed <br />was light.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-60193202048319966692007-07-01T22:48:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:31.997-08:00contradiction<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD66RkCVY6wPZdqg2FrCy_mK2VYmvr6nU4hKI4V6B9ihg3ia36yPDOFkN-SuJ-mS4Riu2c94XAnFSBX8OjJd4Ublhie7dKyEGaw54BC-Z6LzPxP7CoVi7zTnc88RaMD369BntL-2BNfmNE/s1600-h/DSC01769.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD66RkCVY6wPZdqg2FrCy_mK2VYmvr6nU4hKI4V6B9ihg3ia36yPDOFkN-SuJ-mS4Riu2c94XAnFSBX8OjJd4Ublhie7dKyEGaw54BC-Z6LzPxP7CoVi7zTnc88RaMD369BntL-2BNfmNE/s320/DSC01769.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5082473682594632562" /></a><br />everything i say contradicts what i do. <br /><br />everything i do contradicts what i believe. <br /><br />everything i believe contradicts what i say.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />..i think.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-91202843581707026862007-07-01T19:51:00.000-07:002007-07-01T21:28:49.192-07:00true love? yeah. riiiight.<a href="http://a52.g.akamaitech.net/f/52/827/1d/www.space.com/images/060807_iod_cassini_moons_04.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://a52.g.akamaitech.net/f/52/827/1d/www.space.com/images/060807_iod_cassini_moons_04.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />i don't understand. i mean i do, i know what happened, but why is it like this? i just feel so off.. so cut off or remote and i still have so many questions screaming from my heart and blasting the walls of my brain, but they never reach my lips, never.. my tongue holds it all, tipping, dripping back down my throat. <br /><br />i just want some love that is true or real or lasting or pure. and i mean, i know where i can find it, i know, i just have trouble reaching that place, and i need support, and its all stepping back now. so in my resistance or fear or cluelessness, i start to doubt that love can last, or really truly exist for that matter. i know i can get the essence of all love, but i'm so scared.. and i can only look down, stare at my toes, i'm not sure i'm strong enough to look into the light. so i stay amongst the dirt, the lies, the betrayal, the lost love, the hopelessness. <br /><br />i just want something honest in these loves i keep desperately grasping. the second it comes i know it is real, but it is the only second i have and then it all comes crumbling down, washed away, cut off, regretted, taken back. i want something that is solid, genuine, honest-to-goodness; something that will last. as i've quoted the postal service before, "i want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real"; i want life and love thriving in the moment of the honest love that stays and does not leave me groping on for some bridge to close this distance. a broken bridge that i can't repair, or cross, for what i long to bring is too heavy for this kind of thing. <br /><br />maybe that the kind of love i'm wanting does not exist. maybe it is all a misshapen hope that we constantly search for, but one that we can never hold to and build upon. maybe i'm one of those hopeless romantics, believing that true love between people does happen. <br /><br />or maybe true love is real, blossoming, existing, just not the way we planned it. after all romance is only a particle of love, no? and one that i'm not sure i can trust.<br /><br />everything that i wanted to believe, i can't, its so wrong, so gone. and everything i'm resisting believing is so true, so pure, so whole, so everlasting. what is wrong with me? <br /><br />secrets are warping. <br />secrets are lethal. <br />take them away.<br />free me. <br />get me out of this place. <br />regret, remember. <br />shame, sorrow. <br />lost amongst the truth of all lies.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-48727955362893350192007-06-26T22:48:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:32.258-08:00whisper and the untolds<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKuBk_EplS4mruJyPCuCGzvye45dHrZt6ErHMgLGLOnbnmfXg5AqCuUPsUUXWojCJW0qOM6t9nJXYQwAuuVAGLBRqCYT_WZrGojVK9Ln51Jc1PZDswNJzpAKz89Uf8LZn73LONBNXLQJtE/s1600-h/DSC02156.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKuBk_EplS4mruJyPCuCGzvye45dHrZt6ErHMgLGLOnbnmfXg5AqCuUPsUUXWojCJW0qOM6t9nJXYQwAuuVAGLBRqCYT_WZrGojVK9Ln51Jc1PZDswNJzpAKz89Uf8LZn73LONBNXLQJtE/s320/DSC02156.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5080635028570051426" /></a><br />i have so many drafts. like 23 or something. <br />i never stop writing, never stop talking, yet its amazing how little i truly say. <br />i never stop my hyperactivity, never stop moving, yet its amazing how stone-stiff i still am. <br /><br />i'm holding so much back in, so much art, so much anger.<br />i'm not really letting myself scream it, sound it out. <br />it all stays here, i got rid of so much, yet its all still so here. <br />i can't cry, i always slap myself back, it stings worse that way,<br /><br />but i just can't let myself (i know you can't either, i know that you know). <br /><br />i feel rather explosive, dear.<br /><br />i don't think i will blow up, not really sure, as i already have the power of a bomb, but i think i will slowly, silently, begin to wilt away. oh, yes. <br /><br />break me down now, open me up. <br /><br />and the silent severed serenades, <br />softly in the starlight, now, stay still. <br />no sunshine speaks, no stars release, <br />when shall we be set free?<br />oh send me soaring, shining saviour;<br />whisper me away. <br />start out your swift silk melody, <br />and suffuse my aching soul.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-47525172910455767322007-06-20T18:12:00.000-07:002007-06-20T18:31:18.376-07:00boxes/silently screaming<a href="http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Edvard-Munch/The-Scream-c1893-Print-C10055171.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Edvard-Munch/The-Scream-c1893-Print-C10055171.jpeg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />i'm not<br />gonna cry.<br />gonna talk.<br />gonna hold on.<br />gonna remember.<br /><br />no one wants to hear me go on about this. NO one. so i won't. <br /><br />i'm tired and sick. and this is a very dumb idea. its pointless and it makes me weak. so what am i doing? i don't know.. <br /><br />but i'm closing off again. its my only outlet, that box was comfy. <br /><br />and blind. <br /><br />this is so dumb, i can't believe myself. <br /><br />but "you have broken me, all the way down, you'll be the last, you'll see."* <br /><br />no more of this, nope. i'm going back into the cover of darkness. back to the proctection.<br /><br />i wish you would stop me. i wish you would speak. i wish you could remember how. i can help you out, i can. but you have told me, you have told me not to try. and so you can't help me, i know you could, but you won't. <br /><br />we could help eachother out here, if we could talk. but we are sore. we are hurt. we are stubborn. we are tired. we are blind. we are such jackasses. <br /><br />you are screaming out in your silent march. i am silent in my constant screams.<br /><br />you're in your box, and now i'm in mine. who will knock now?<br /><br />(* from "all the way down" from once)MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-63849946715691686112007-06-14T19:24:00.001-07:002007-06-14T19:52:43.620-07:00my freedom on the horizon<a href="http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsxp/images/using/setup/maintain/67396-delete-key.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsxp/images/using/setup/maintain/67396-delete-key.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I AM FREE!!!!!!!! FREEDOM IS MINE!!! I AM ALIVE, I AM ME, AND I AM FREE!!!! OH MY GOOOOOODNEESSSSSS! <br /><br />i just deleted at least 2500 emails!!! emails that held so many promises, so many hopes, so many reminders of me being dropped, of the ends, of evaporations. but now, i can get out of there, of that rocky past imprinted in emails from october to june, and start living here, cuz its a new day from NOW on!<br /> <br />thank you to seth!!! WHOOO HOOO! he gets the credit! the credit for encouraging me to delete them, move on from my past, not just dig deeper in my little ditch, but work my way out!!! i thank him for helping me along, reread some and delete them all, all as i was weeping and sobbing and falling apart.. <br /><br />but do y'all know what this means?!?! <br /><br />all of that from before, all of that not being able to forgive, not being able to forget, move on at all, all of that being stuck wallowing in my past, well all that is being ended slowly but surely. this was the first step, deleting all the crap that was back there, in its physical form, was so empowering, it was the first step i've taken upwards in a really long time. and getting rid all of that bahookie that was holding me down, all of that which is now melting away, all these bonds to my past that are evaporating, directly leads to my freedom!<br /><br />and I'M doing it! I'M deleting these emails, I'M moving on, I'M cleaning up these wounds, I'M HEALING!!! with the support of my loverly, faithful, glorious, gracious, gracious friends and leaders! and i will be free, and alive, and well.. AND FREE!!! did i mention that already?!!! it don't matter, cuz FREEDOM IS ON THE HORIZON, AND I AM FLYING TOWARDS IT!!! HALLELUJAH!!!MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-75135256268562936962007-06-13T21:28:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:32.564-08:00the drunken colors of today/peace? (a jumbled, mumbled flock of poems)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidGNTPrdB1wyTZAarw03gwDNl7nWMpqh5dTOUp5BWR_edufipwVeoZ27X-iuKYr8xz-MC-aliGO8dycD7iqVVTBPHhyx7Q9luVK3d82vpNFLPTGmYLmub6TA5359EKEt9hhAyjphGxk5h6/s1600-h/DSC02107.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidGNTPrdB1wyTZAarw03gwDNl7nWMpqh5dTOUp5BWR_edufipwVeoZ27X-iuKYr8xz-MC-aliGO8dycD7iqVVTBPHhyx7Q9luVK3d82vpNFLPTGmYLmub6TA5359EKEt9hhAyjphGxk5h6/s320/DSC02107.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5075778758470575442" /></a><br />i bit my nails off short again,<br />slammed once more to the wall. <br />i peeked back at you, <br />grimaced and sighed, <br />and remembered all we had been. <br /><br /> [sick to my stomach, <br /> sick in my head,<br /> dirt-rotten hangover, <br /> drinking up love again. <br /> i went too far,<br /> too far to tell, <br /> until it was over, <br /> and i was too drunk to care. <br /> but then it hurt, <br /> and i refused, <br /> refused to love like that again.]<br /><br />time will tell if my nails grow back, <br />if my heart returns, <br />and i can love again. <br />clean up the blood, <br />and heal these scars, <br />hope once more, <br />and be fulfilled.<br /><br /> {the love of before,<br /> of bliss and becomings,<br /> was brazen and wine,<br /> the warmth and the fire of touch. <br /><br /> the future was blank,<br /> rough blacks and harsh whites,<br /> waiting for us to fill in the color.<br /> but no, now it stays, forever in starkness. <br /><br /> the present is clashing, <br /> colliding, and crazy.<br /> a jumble of neon, <br /> until.. it is softened.}<br /><br />i realize now, now after my moving,<br />that this was the right way to go.<br />i can see clearly, see cleanly, <br />its soft on my eyes, and now, i see, we may rest.<br /><br />rest apart, but resting the same, <br />a forever-long break is welcomed <br />and wholesome.<br />we've finally found our peace.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-17815369415357648262007-06-08T22:10:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:32.812-08:00peace<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuRlc__qcQKLBHiZw3vhLFtNnsiSxepIyWM2nGhHzBUGGBQIFbmlx8batDDRbXjnleg6YAYIzDf14IUAzQgUxOak2sPxE_L6Q1DbR4tIvrGUMR96yCLKGZyXLYe9csTGCcHlO_tHwco4Zb/s1600-h/DSC00932.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuRlc__qcQKLBHiZw3vhLFtNnsiSxepIyWM2nGhHzBUGGBQIFbmlx8batDDRbXjnleg6YAYIzDf14IUAzQgUxOak2sPxE_L6Q1DbR4tIvrGUMR96yCLKGZyXLYe9csTGCcHlO_tHwco4Zb/s320/DSC00932.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5073939047884039490" /></a><br />i would like to announce that i am a pacifist. i think i have been, or have been trying to be one, but announcing it makes it all the more.. official. well duh. but yeah. here for all of you who don't know, <br /><br />pacifism is the opposition to war or violence as a means of settling disputes. Pacifism covers a spectrum of views ranging from the belief that international disputes can and should be peacefully resolved, to absolute opposition to the use of violence, or even force, under any circumstances. Pacifism is not limited to just war, but can include resisting to use any form of violence at all. (wikipedia)<br /><br />this, however, doesn't mean i'm weak; this standing for peace and not fighting for myself and others destructively, but trying to resolve things wholistically and peacefully. nope. it does not. and even though socking someone in the face or blowing them away might seem like the most effective method immediately, in the long run, its only gonna come and sock you back, right? <br /><br />"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."<br />-Martin Luther King Jr.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-39439556843478861032007-06-06T23:33:00.000-07:002007-06-06T23:37:49.956-07:00jus a bit o' lyrics<a href="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000089CJI.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000089CJI.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />okay, i know i've put this on here before in different ways.. but like, its coming back and fitting more than ever, so i thought i'd put it up again. its part of some postal service lyrics. gotta love 'em. yesh. <br /><br />I WANT SO BADLY TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS TRUTH THAT LOVE IS REAL. <br />AND I WANT LIFE IN EVERY WORD TO THE EXTENT THAT ITS ABSURD. <br /><br />-"clark gable" the postal service.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-52765637473194412842007-06-02T20:40:00.001-07:002007-06-02T21:46:14.777-07:00two headed snake: attack of the multiple maturity levels.<a href="http://askabiologist.asu.edu/research/2hsnake/images/snakecolor.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://askabiologist.asu.edu/research/2hsnake/images/snakecolor.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />okay.. i've needed to post about this for a while now. tired of retelling it and forgetting who knows and who doesn't and blah de blah, so i'm just gonna explain it here. okay? okay. <br /><br />i am a person of multiple maturity levels. a lot of people probably are. maybe. mine just happen to be a tad major, or bipolar. well not like the disorder, but like.. extreme opposites. there are two main maturity levels here, which i will explain. <br /><br />there is the part of me which is your normal 14 year old girl, thinking about normal 14 year old girl stuff, how a 14 year old girl does. thats how its done. physically i am 14. relationally i am 14. i'm not necessarily immature, just.. normal.. yeah. well as normal as i can get, but still. <br /><br />then there is the part of me that is more evident on this blog. the thoughtful, mature, and deep part. pensive, reflective, etc. (ehehe, "etc."). with my deeper aspects, cynical and romatic views, i am older. i think. and views of the world around me. but yeah.. <br /><br />for a while i was going through some really confused (well, really, what isn't for me?) soul searching business, like trying to find the real me. it was pretty hard to tell cuz sometimes one would come out and other times the other would, and it was pretty evenly spread out and similar length wise. so i was all perplexed, asking why there were so many "MEs" in me, and did i want them all there, and shouldn't there only be one ME, and which one is it, anyways? and all that stuff. and then i realized that that was just it, there was only one me, they were all me, it was all me. there was no one part, there was no one maturity level, they all were and they all were good. it didn't matter, i could live with it. <br /><br />or thats what i thought. <br /><br />until that blasted love came into the picture. <br /><br />it left me dissatisfied, disappointed, torn, and more confused than ever. i won't explain, however. it already drove me nuts and i would prefer not to have to talk about it for a while. <br /><br />i've worked it out, just to let you all know, but the problems keep coming. grr. <br /><br />and so yeah, its just been tough, making decisions that i am afraid may kill or damage one part of me, or moving in directions that would allow one part of me to become dormant (is this sounding really familiar to you too?), and all that jazz. seperate feelings, seperate views, all inside me. i feel like a two headed snake. one part of me wanting to go this way, the other wanting to go that way, how will i ever survive in the wild?MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-88108779169293037262007-05-30T18:03:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:33.081-08:00the floatation of my gum wrapper life<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ2Zy7GdqLxQL5uGj0Nk19K3-Cs3xYZpvAgBEE4BI5ArCEK3dxtnMpPQCqMspo_CetSXYd5f_2H569CV4xcGNXNySqk2kymksC9WQTnl0uCFdJ03AxtogY3A98JQ40rAZYqu0m63VGxEZZ/s1600-h/DSC02210.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ2Zy7GdqLxQL5uGj0Nk19K3-Cs3xYZpvAgBEE4BI5ArCEK3dxtnMpPQCqMspo_CetSXYd5f_2H569CV4xcGNXNySqk2kymksC9WQTnl0uCFdJ03AxtogY3A98JQ40rAZYqu0m63VGxEZZ/s320/DSC02210.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070527982403314546" /></a><br />my life just floated lightly, whitely off the side of the couch, the arm, it was. i saw it out of the corner of my eye. it flew in the shape of a gum wrapper, it did.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-71241729106739795802007-05-30T15:54:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:33.327-08:00only so long<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrFxy9mniWmnHjkU1GbmleqpvfzJiXH43RvMLOvreSnNbgwxiTVwv0tW4TQ-4twYHWdPAh3YZ3lnmcaHjAbyFsr3NqcoxEwsvCPNRjNd8P37HM8bfe6e5N5HelHiBswEVnxeVOq4BEssq/s1600-h/DSC01287.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrFxy9mniWmnHjkU1GbmleqpvfzJiXH43RvMLOvreSnNbgwxiTVwv0tW4TQ-4twYHWdPAh3YZ3lnmcaHjAbyFsr3NqcoxEwsvCPNRjNd8P37HM8bfe6e5N5HelHiBswEVnxeVOq4BEssq/s320/DSC01287.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070507319315653474" /></a><br />running out of time<br />a bit fast, i must admit<br />so quick to leave me?<br /><br />scream, what do you want?<br />turn around, sigh around, leave. <br />lone pigeon, one line. <br /><br />it seems too late, too<br />late to start what has begun<br />we meant it to, yes. <br /><br />we longed. for so long. <br />we did. something must happen, <br />we thought, too late though. <br /><br />we didn't pause, no<br />hesitation, we flung our<br />selves into the wind.<br /><br />we didn't begin<br />to wonder how we would catch,<br />we leapt together. <br /><br />thoughtlessness molded<br />us. it bound us, held us tight. <br />we let it, we did. <br /><br />but now that we're here, <br />time is speeding quickly past, <br />do we let it go?<br /><br />stand still, stop stuck, stay.<br />left to the right, bash, bang, boom. <br />mumbled prayers, don't let<br /><br />us collide, hold us<br />together and balanced, now<br />for once in our life. <br /><br />misread your glances, <br />hold your hand, sweating, worried.<br />walk away, what have <br /><br />i done?<br /><br />look in my eyes, tell <br />me the truth, how long do we<br />want this, how long will<br /><br />it go, despite fights, <br />fevers, foreigners? without <br />a gathering of <br /><br />times, will there be a<br />story for us, a love to<br />remember if we<br /><br />continue this way?<br />no time to waste, no time to<br />lose, not like this. the <br /><br />sands of this time are<br />flitting freely through fingers<br />as we slip our hands<br /><br />apart. no! please stay.<br />hold me for the rest, let me<br />see the love shine in the <br /><br />breathless youthfulness<br />between our lives. remind me<br />of the new ahead, <br /><br />whisper, it is good<br />we are okay, we will be, <br />no matter what we<br /><br />see, we will live this<br />and remember as our new<br />beginning, our chance.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-56508029143972752452007-05-20T18:03:00.001-07:002008-11-13T04:26:33.603-08:00another milestone<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQN6xNsDHyHI6wAL1Otw18oa66-pEzzDZEj1iwWjTEQ9hyphenhyphenRY2tm9qzSWGDZnPsjCnHq9edaM0rutw2fvjn1AGfn16FJUUdlIZnyaJc2k8awda5ak7npCU2U77aGWM7jTTKJyKyo0EFC5p/s1600-h/DSC00595.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQN6xNsDHyHI6wAL1Otw18oa66-pEzzDZEj1iwWjTEQ9hyphenhyphenRY2tm9qzSWGDZnPsjCnHq9edaM0rutw2fvjn1AGfn16FJUUdlIZnyaJc2k8awda5ak7npCU2U77aGWM7jTTKJyKyo0EFC5p/s320/DSC00595.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5066823474326266706" /></a><br />hullo beautiful, beautiful people of the world. today is my birthday, and i am now officially fourteen years old. heck yes. and let me tell you, its not as dumb or as "cursed" (we'll get to that) as i was expecting. and yes it does feel different, not exactly being fourteen compared to being thirteen, but that period of my life to this one. i'll explain a trifle later. for now, about today. <br /><br />i have been treated very fine today, spending time with my family.. the highlight at this moment would be spending a good chunk of my day at dearest lacy park, man alive, i love that place. whoo whee. it just felt really good, running around, tossing balls, having a picnic, laughing.. i dunno, just really fresh and alive. i felt myself too, me coming back again, there was no pending stuff. it was just good. no worries. and its like everything vanished and what was left was that raw, naked version of me.. i dunno, bit of an essence? and i just felt blessed to have lived another year, even if it wasn't that pleasant at times, i LIVED it, made it through with the glorious, gracious help of everyone who kept me on my feet.. and i feel really blessed too because i know that i have made it here, and i know this year will be different, maybe not better, maybe not worse, but different, and for that i am thankful. <br /><br />last night wasn't the best on record, no, not at all. i was really depressed and the most common question was, "who am i?". i was missing myself, i didn't even know who that was and i just.. felt so screwed up again, suffocated, and dying. it was awful. and i think i am beginning to see, right now, that that was the end of being 13. that was some of my major suffering reappearing, and i just kept thinking, around midnight that "this fourteen stuff ain't so sweet, not a good way to start, this beginning.. its cursed". but what i failed to realize is that that wasn't the beginning yet, that was the end of something, that period in my life, that "lost me" time. <br /><br />but now, now i'm beginning to see that that time is behind me, there is no going back and this new road up ahead of me is a total blank canvas, and its mine to do with what i want. mine to live. sure things are gonna try to lurk up from the past travels and drag me back, but i think with this new map and view of the road, i might be able to fight them off and keep on marching. hopefully. other things are gonna come on my road, either to walk with me, keep me walking, or to try and hinder me, but whatever they do, it is part of this journey and i will keep on living it. i'm gonna live this. all of it. beacuse its mine to live. and for that i am thankful.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-2948411032139137812007-05-17T21:30:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:33.827-08:00The Life of a Cathedral<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3VOiCYJ5zQQWP4vAQrDefQ26xvagzB_un7DJNmxOVvqh8ghX3w47Yvb_b4H2W38zefkB_LjETVoyGgJ2bW1GWQFwcPBJTHfuj7Ws4BrCyNoWX-HppCH5Qq7uJIUb-PIeyKUMii3BCtN9F/s1600-h/DSC01505.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3VOiCYJ5zQQWP4vAQrDefQ26xvagzB_un7DJNmxOVvqh8ghX3w47Yvb_b4H2W38zefkB_LjETVoyGgJ2bW1GWQFwcPBJTHfuj7Ws4BrCyNoWX-HppCH5Qq7uJIUb-PIeyKUMii3BCtN9F/s320/DSC01505.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5065753984519889730" /></a><br />A cathedral on a hill. Six different rays of light. Dust in the shadows, dust in the light, dust filling the air, flitting off the walls, the ceilings, the floors, with only one thought: Pervade their lungs. Together they might be able to send them away, the intruders, they would cough their way out, out into the surreal, sun-blinded world, away from this place, to leave it in its harsh grey. <br /><br />Peaceful, quiet, forgotten grey. <br /><br />All feelings of loneliness had faded over the years, or rather, had been coated in dust just like the rest of itself. But now, now they came with their tools and their voices, uproariously unsettling all that once was; uncovering memories in the removal of the dust.<br /> <br />No. It could not be. The old cathedral sent its croaking voice, aged, cracked, monotonous as it was, out into the daylight, and caught the wind. The wind who had been its only companion all this long while, fleeting and fickle though it was, came, knew, and wordlessly fought. It called the dust, raised it, spun it, filled the cathedral. The muffled voices and the clanging metal against the cold stone continued to echo amidst the swirling dust. The wind rushed and blew, more powerfully than before, longing to help its old friend of the hills. Selflessly slamming into the stones, the people, the metal. Anything and everything was disturbed, hit by the wind. <br /><br />All peace was broken. <br /><br />Suddenly everything went quiet. The people had fled, but this new silence did not bring peace. All seemed lost. The cathedral silently reminisced in the emptiness. Years had gone by. It hadn’t heard voices in such a long time and when they finally came it was too sudden, too… alive. No preparation. The cathedral fought them away, tried to close them out, destroy them, anything. Anything… but now, now they were gone, gone with the peace, the wind, the light. <br /><br />The desolate cathedral moaned. Too much remembering, old dreams, faded and frayed that had been worked out from under the dust now shone through the cathedral like lost, pure sunlight. Nothing could be done. The cathedral was alone again, alone all except for those excruciating memories. It saw itself now, this cathedral. Saw itself for what it was, bleak, weary, deteriorating. No. This lifelessness scared the cathedral, and nothing could be done… Wait for the dust to settle down once more, the cathedral wanted to tell itself. <br /><br />Days past, the dust did settle, but the stupefied cathedral did not feel at all that way. It continuously tried to forget the pain that life brought, the warmth, the light, the noise, the company. But the cathedral became worried now, wondering if this lack of life may just be worse. The cathedral didn’t realize, however, that even though those who came carried hearts of metal only to demolish, it had once again been noticed. The pain was so acute, it deprived the cathedral of all hope. <br /><br />Then one day with a creak of the door, a sliver of light, came a patch of flowing white muslin. A modest gasp followed by a patter of bare feet. The wind whistled by with the scent of a meddler, but became still. Waiting, watching. The cathedral was at first flustered, then quieted as the feet promptly stopped. Stopped in the middle of the cathedral. Breathlessly, softly, heavenly, the girl began to twirl, to dance, laugh, slowly and gently at first, then faster, louder, gloriously. The beauty of it all, this new feeling made the cathedral exhale, breathe out all the old dust, and everything it covered. This feeling was lovely. Brilliant. Glowing. <br /><br />It was life.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-8163059183614450522007-05-12T10:00:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:33.992-08:00get ouht of this placfe3 (frantic hands/heavy head)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvxs6EAlsYNAg4amDdmCfhjevw4As6zLBcaO2Grnzd4mgqd-7_6ZJoELinb5mQ-2bDW4lfAjRDhW965s84KrmsQdzAIYBXm_HjWRbNU8MIuU8E0YTj5jNoSTHc3lS-1NB4lggPn-2AqAdE/s1600-h/DSC02080.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvxs6EAlsYNAg4amDdmCfhjevw4As6zLBcaO2Grnzd4mgqd-7_6ZJoELinb5mQ-2bDW4lfAjRDhW965s84KrmsQdzAIYBXm_HjWRbNU8MIuU8E0YTj5jNoSTHc3lS-1NB4lggPn-2AqAdE/s320/DSC02080.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5063731003227684882" /></a><br />my head feels really heavey thats why i'm on the couch with my head back not looking at what i'm typing.. lets how it turn s out .. <br />i thinkn i'm holding too much stuff up there. .up here.. its affecting all of me, and it hurts realy bat.. i wish i could jst let some of this stuff go.. its all still there, all weighin g me doen. i'm feeling rso much hatred... and it s horribe, idk who atr, me him? all of us? COULD YOU JUST STIOO?! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPOPIGN?! THERE ARE PPL SUFFERIENG ANDWHAT AREE YOU DOING?~ orr.. like.. YOU HELP TOO MUCH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. i don't.. even know you.. or at mysrlf.. i jut feel like v'fve nmmmade too man y mistakes to be forgiven.. but rbrty ytim ie tyh try to bask for forgivenesss. i can't say a thing.. i mean, i don't know wat it is. atr alla.. and i'm feeliong like.. ike theres no where to go, no one will take me in ith all this hatred welling inside of me. i don't know what it its, so i don't know who to stip it. or myaybe.. no. i need to stop it. this parasire of fear and hatee. its AEDUL. <br />i'm really scared tho, i do'n't feel aything will ever mend. i'll just keep bleeding and trying to stem the flow, but it will never close up, i will never have a svar. i can't fo this my slsf. i need you hrlp, but i sure as hell don't qwant it. i'm rirted of askuing for help. nothing helps. wel.. no those are just distractions. nothing tryly toiucches me with thisbarrrier of hate and anger blogkiung all elseo ut. its not hea,thy not a t all, and i'm scafred.. i will never been healthy aabgain.. i feel like crying, like beaingt some ien up, like laying doen to reat. just fdor a little while.. just rest, i can' tresrt, suer i can sleep but when was rth elast time i rested? i feel so weary.. so eshausted.. and idkn what to do.. how to stop it. <br /><br />i kleep thinkging about big bear, how i would love to go there with yu, and lhust.. have fun. its been so long, i just want to be away feom thse jealousys and forget it all.. we can ust be, brogheers and sisters.. just be a faminly again,.. thats all i want. <br /><br />but then i think of holding hands.. two times have i actrually done it. first time, i hated for it, so mad, so sad,. second time i loved it, it felt so good, so interlaced.. warm. <br /><br />i need to stop talking about this, i'm just distraciing myseldf. we need to stay focuse.. dno. it hurts dar to bad. i refuse. i just want to rest.. lay down on a blamnkiw in lacey park.. eyes, hands, the sunset sprinting.. <br /><br />i hate love. it hurts. i hate it. it stabs worse than lots of thinsfs.. it hurts. i'm tired o f it, i'm tired oif hutiung, i need to let it out. i have. haven't i? not i haven; stai doa word o f it, i haven's tsay id anything, vcuz i don't know waht to say, ineed to say evrerythign,. ot nothing. can you say something? please?. just be honest for ones.e just tell me the truth. i love you i hate you . i need you . i don't wanna. i akljfpslkdjvca<br /><br />fk;vl'lkakj afalkfjn;ad.<br /><br />freaking ou, i cn' tdo this, i tfon't wqnna , maybe i shjould becoime a stone agaon, just toikc. not pain, not gain. maybe i'm fing wwit hta. n=maybe not. you plrayed. and if i don't fget better, ithign will come for you. i need to get beteter,. i neef o grt barette. 8i fon' know how to grt better. help me.. please. no. pease. vibreations.. vibrations. bibreations.. too mucn passion. i neec this tho. help me get out of this place. <br /><br />io don't know how to get you out of this plac, oi cdon't knmow how to get yuou outt of hit splace. i don't know how to get you outt of this place. <br /><br />i don't fell good.MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-64188549356807469712007-05-07T17:15:00.000-07:002007-05-12T09:57:39.211-07:00whats up with the heat?!<a href="http://images.epilogue.net/users/dearden/Global_Warming.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://images.epilogue.net/users/dearden/Global_Warming.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />i know many of us were ticked about the heat today, mid 90s, no breeze, no clouds. our stiff, sticky, and sweaty selves would trudge around grumbling, "grr.. global warming."<br /><br />we all know that this blasted "global warming" is making it the world hotter, i mean duh, global = world.. warming = heat, you'd have to be an idiot not to know that, buuuuut, how many of us know what global warming is? honestly. here, i'll give you a quote from http://www.stopglobalwarming.org (a website you all must visit)...<br /><br />"The Earth as an ecosystem is changing, attributable in great part to the effects of globalization and man. More carbon dioxide is now in the atmosphere than has been in the past 650,000 years. This carbon stays in the atmosphere, acts like a warm blanket, and holds in the heat — hence the name ‘global warming.’<br /><br />The reason we exist on this planet is because the earth naturally traps just enough heat in the atmosphere to keep the temperature within a very narrow range - this creates the conditions that give us breathable air, clean water, and the weather we depend on to survive. Human beings have begun to tip that balance. We've overloaded the atmosphere with heat-trapping gasses from our cars and factories and power plants. If we don't start fixing the problem now, we’re in for devastating changes to our environment. We will experience extreme temperatures, rises in sea levels, and storms of unimaginable destructive fury. Recently, alarming events that are consistent with scientific predictions about the effects of climate change have become more and more commonplace."<br /><br />tuff stuff man. <br /><br />and i mean, we can all go around with our grumbles, "blasted global warming..!", buuuuuut whos fault is it really? and whos working to fix it? are we just gonna keep complaining or are we gonna start getting our sunny, breezy, 75 degree so cal weather?<br /><br />okokok.. i guess i can't blame us totally, we are a tad ignorant, i need to fill y'all in! so we know what it is, but what can any of us do about it, that is the question! ok, here see, <br /><br />uhm.. well this is what i'm doing..<br /><br />1. go to youtube and watch "i need to wake up" by melissa etheridge.<br /> - "wow" in disgusted awe a bit as you are clued in and prepared to make a difference<br />2. go to http://www.stopglobalwarming.org and <br /> - join the virtual march<br /> - learn some more<br />3. rent "an inconvienient truth"<br />4. make your difference (i.e. plant trees, ride bikes, buy organic stuff, take shorter showers, reuse, reduce, recycle, etc.)<br /><br />and so yeah, i know this stuff can be freaky, and we'll be all, "agh! its the end of the world! theyre is NO hope!" and stuff, but really we can do stuff to turn it around, its not irreversible, its not futile, its not the end! we can stop this, we can change things, turn em back, right?MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-1011510947702828162007-05-07T16:55:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:34.212-08:00aware<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO1jYIaOe515hQf0Fzd-hPYVyvwe6ebQRlXZIv4yXWMjr7-QoHICOtK5JKXDpInX-GpaBZDVDN8LcuT_Shp8bmpWn5dWLqRG9YS_glU-MHswdRpzXFSaYKG0P1OO43reZWU0kOyDFcTIJI/s1600-h/DSC01380.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO1jYIaOe515hQf0Fzd-hPYVyvwe6ebQRlXZIv4yXWMjr7-QoHICOtK5JKXDpInX-GpaBZDVDN8LcuT_Shp8bmpWn5dWLqRG9YS_glU-MHswdRpzXFSaYKG0P1OO43reZWU0kOyDFcTIJI/s400/DSC01380.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5061971986486706178" /></a>MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-57987118234139087132007-05-05T17:58:00.000-07:002007-05-05T18:27:04.566-07:00take my breath away (clockwork)<a href="http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1844545/1/istockphoto_1844545_clock_mechanics.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1844545/1/istockphoto_1844545_clock_mechanics.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. -anonymous. <br /><br />last nite was amazing. me and some buddies went to see spida-man at the mall. it was packed. i don't think the movie was my favorite part. i think just being there with people i love. man alive. i don't think one thing went wrong (cept maybe that popcorn). i can honestly say, it was all good. all good.. <br /><br />it was so nice.. and cozy, and comfortable. smiley and cinnamon sugar coated. blissful and bright. chipper and changing. i felt really, really good.. <br /><br />the smiles. the pretzels. the water. <br /><br />the hands, the fingers, the eyes. <br /><br />oh, man. oh, man. oh, man. whoo whee.. <br /><br />i felt so hyped up, so strong, so.. senselessly included. welcomed.<br /><br />it all fit. all interlaced. all worked. clockwork..MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-52352038015107165672007-05-02T18:15:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:34.436-08:00we puzzle: lovely? cow dung?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHjRMq0tH7dYCGsbc6BLq8BV0fIG4bU4iz6oYaVlNk6oZl4zaZ3cqrtMfK1LmF9yrYXJIFlfwqkIqglxHXRjWh5xNp80DEbCY-6bRaWENmt1pDUHIeplU5KaKSI18l7NXKPgZOzizjCJ5/s1600-h/DSC01792.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHjRMq0tH7dYCGsbc6BLq8BV0fIG4bU4iz6oYaVlNk6oZl4zaZ3cqrtMfK1LmF9yrYXJIFlfwqkIqglxHXRjWh5xNp80DEbCY-6bRaWENmt1pDUHIeplU5KaKSI18l7NXKPgZOzizjCJ5/s320/DSC01792.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5060156838818136050" /></a><br />troubled by mem'ries,<br />recent and fresh, noticed too. <br />like baby cow dung. <br /><br />amidst the action, <br />nothing is more beautiful.<br />start of the lovely. <br /><br />glance to backward lands, <br />looking for duller grasses,<br />asking, were we right?<br /><br />the cusp of our hearts<br />ignites many wonderings.<br />to be or.. maybe...<br /><br />check ahead, check back,<br />which way to go? we puzzle,<br />is this where its right?<br /><br />we hear many tales,<br />some become our own, some theirs,<br />are these all we sense?<br /><br />we map it all out, <br />look where we've been, where to go<br />but who will take us?<br /><br />its in our hands now,<br />unsure, and shaking. can we?<br />together, will we?MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2714241584891835407.post-1786358866306448902007-04-28T21:00:00.000-07:002008-11-13T04:26:34.572-08:00intoxication<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5sWkeik2344jjzJ8-D8noodwymRwqs0-H7aXOMk-HUwSuBexQmWt8Tzc1fXR6zqP3wHjnHZ1k9_3Dqld2biENsWZWVlj-UptskOAs8_nLx_k-GWQzttvqB8u2ak_ShoRRvSybBPNUlNX_/s1600-h/DSC02061.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5sWkeik2344jjzJ8-D8noodwymRwqs0-H7aXOMk-HUwSuBexQmWt8Tzc1fXR6zqP3wHjnHZ1k9_3Dqld2biENsWZWVlj-UptskOAs8_nLx_k-GWQzttvqB8u2ak_ShoRRvSybBPNUlNX_/s320/DSC02061.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058703099762622434" /></a><br />i have been so quick to anger as of late. its just every little thing stabs me, drives me out of my peace, which by the way is shrinking. i glare, i grr, i just become infuriated, and its all so quick, because i can lose it just as fast. but my temper keeps flaring and my head keeps whirling and i just am almost always in irate tears. i feel so horribly disgusted and so, so mad at myself for it. i keep wanting to pound someone to the ground, just beat the living daylights outta someone. its so appalling, and it hurts real bad, all the violence, all the stress, all the fury, all the wreckage. it just.. kills. <br /><br />i have been thinking about it a lot when i can squeeze it in during my times of peace and reflection, and nothing is really helping, the anger always returns so rapidly. i just don't really know what to do. i feel so helpless and enraged. it might be because i am really tired, i hope thats it, but a lot of what i get mad about is valid.. but i guess i still shouldn't be acting this way. <br /><br />i have also been thinking about things done to me in the past and things i've done in the past. its been rough, but not that brutal, i think thats because i've let a lot of it out... i think i've let a lot of it out.. but i don't think i've forgiven all that much of it. truly forgiven all the people.. truly forgiven myself. and so despite the release of these angers they still swarm around me. instead of holding them inside of me, and letting them rot me through, i have breathed them out, but they haven't left, they just stay and intoxicate the air i breathe. i feel so choked up. so constricted, but i can't.. i just can NOT let go..MACKAKELENZIOhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06735406903670335830noreply@blogger.com0