another new blog. ehe.. er.

Hi um.. i know you most of you guys won't be reading this, cuz i've told you i've stopped, but if you do by any chance check here, i'm just letting you know that yet again i've started a new blog, but this one is strictly for my art that i can cram onto this measley thing we call the internet, so basically poetry and photography. so when i come up with something new, it will come up on there, so please uh.. check in regularly if you can, it would mean a lot. so, the link is http://try-somewhere-else.blogspot.com, or you can just go to my profile and see my list of blogs (it should now be up to 3) and pick the one called, i believe, 'escape exhaustion'. yeah.. thanks.

ONE, lovey

i think this is going to be my last post on here for a while.. so i hope you will read at least this one, and understand me. and i hope if you ever look at your wrist, it will remind you. but first, please, listen.

one.
U2.

is it getting better
or do you feel the same
will it make it easier on you now
you got someone to blame
you say

one love
one life
when its one need
in the night
one love
we get to share it
leaves you baby if you
don't care for it

did i disappoint you
or leave a bad taste in your mouth
you act like you never had love
and you want me to go without
well its

too late
tonight
to drag the past out into the light
we're one, but we're not the same
we get to
carry eachother
carry eachother
one

have you come here for forgiveness
have you come to raise the dead
have you come here to play Jesus
to the lepers in your head

did i ask too much
more than a lot
you gave me nothing
now its all i got

we're one
but we're not the same
well we hurt eachother
then we do it again
you say

love is a temple
love a higher law
love is a temple
love the higher law

you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and i can't be holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt

one love
one blood
one life
you got to do what you should
one life
with eachother
sisters
brothers
one life
but we're not the same
we get to carry each other
carry eachother

one life

one.

where am i going?/open up.

i'm sorry about these poems, these posts, they're becoming like the last blog: thoroughly depressing and ever enunciating these struggles. i was about to start a new blog and make it more yknow... like how this one was supposed to be "more alive, vibrant, and confident... i want to be constructive and creative." yeah, but the only problem was that i didn't feel confident or creative or constructive. i don't feel alive and glowy.. no shiny happy people. hhh.

"-i need to walk on, do this alone.-

-but you're never alone, those aren't your footprints.- "

i mean really. to be totally honest with you still faithful friends, i feel like i'm becoming everything i always hated, everything i never wanted to be: dependent, needy, clingy. destructive, not at all confident, and strangled. like.. i want to scream this all out, but i don't know what to scream. i want to destroy this box i'm backing into, but when i try to think about it, i only cling tighter to the surrounding walls. i want to escape, but thats the only thing i can't do.

"-yes i am alone, i can't see anyone here.-

-but where do you feel them, not recognize them with your physical senses, but with your soul. open up.-"

i'm at a total standstill, facing myself but refusing to fully look. i have no idea what to do, where to put my trust, and everytime i look at a solution i see how it will only keep me from going on. well whats the point of that? nothing is working, i don't know what to do. okay, you hear me? i don't know what to do. what more can i cry? how can i hear you?

"-i can't feel it, i'm closed off.-

-even if you close off from everything outside of you, you still have your insides, your heart, your soul, your mind. listen.-"

i feel directionless.

"-i can't hear. i need to find where i'm going, i need someone to lead me there.-

-you know where you're going, just be quiet for a bit. listen.-"


where do we go when we can't find our leader? where do we go when we're scared and comfort around us is falling down and we need to walk on feeling ever alone, but never alone; blinded from our surroundings by our fear and our need for solitude.

"-lead me. lead me on.-

-you are going, you are being lead. open your eyes.-"

my perfect picture film

the film has started,
it retells all that i know,
i can recite it

so damn well.

we pass all that was
good, or that i thought was so,
it goes by so fast.

it starts to get worse,
the memories come faster,
clearer and painful.

but i can't cry, now,
no, i can't scream this out loud,
just smile, breaking down.

------------------------------

so much seems missing,
or is that just me, did i
see more than there was?

the script doesn't have
that, but i won't put it there,
cuz you won't listen.

------------------------------

here i start, matching
perfectly with the scene, my
mouth forms the words, now

"i wish you were gone,
now that you truly left me,
i wish you were out

of my life. to me
it seems, you honestly are,
how else could you have

done that? done that.. you
hurt me, hurt me, hurt me now,"
how? you stopped caring.

------------------------------

this

movie in my mind,
echoes and fires and lift-offs
passions and pages.

------------------------------

everyone watched, then
with this anticipation,
as i stared and sighed.

i knew what would come.

he held her, he stroked,
he held her hand, kissed her, now,
and then wiped it all

away.

it wasn't just once,
it wasn't just twice now, no,
this happened in time.

and all of it, now
all washed away, taken back,
how could she respond?

i saw it and i
wanted to blast out with words
i would never say.

------------------------------

"oh turn aside, now,
leave me be now, with this black.
faded, jaded black."

and then he left, yes,
left her there, her mind shredded,
her soul torn, her heart

blinking in the shade.
taking in those shadows, that
repeat and replay

what he had done, what
he had been, mumbled to her,
the lies, the lies, now.

------------------------------

and it makes her feel
so bad, now, but why, when she
wants this? doesn't she?

its all so clear, now,
its all so perfectly dead,
why couldn't she see?

its all of it, all
of it now, too much to read,
can't they start over?

no, why would she go
back there, its never good, it
is artificial.

------------------------------

so, she bites,

"and you don't care, now,
and you won't speak my name, no,
i won't let you come.

all i may know now,
is that you are one big lie,
one falsity here.

thats all thats left now,"
theres no picturesque ending,
nothing like she dreamed.

and she did dream.

the credits role on,
our names hiking by, just like
everyone elses.

------------------------------

to the world we are
just names, or words, or numbers,
but i know we were

something once, oh yes,
i used to think as long as
i knew you, and while

you knew me, that was
all we needed. there was that
one night where i felt

one heart beat.

------------------------------

i see our names and
they are sep'rate now, not one.
and the screen goes black.

and i know its done,
know its over with no last
bit of film, because

there is no hope here,
no end to that dream with the
red confetti, now.

it just

runs on with you, then,
walking back down the grunge-filled
alley, you won't turn.

not ever, not now.

------------------------------

i feel no relief
though, and now i must wonder,
when it waters down,

is it what we need,
or more of what we want, now?
and i can't decide

which it truly is
that i am ridding myself
of. do i need you?

now that i don't want
you, now that you are gone. is
this how it goes on?

------------------------------

no, no, no, no, no.
fade away now, fade to black,
get away, get out.

------------------------------

can i just walk out,
close the doors on the theatre
that played my nightmare.

is it really that
easy now, just to leave this?
is there something left

to say, to do, or
anything more i need now,
any more i want?

or is there a whole
new chapter, one i'm hopeless
about? where is this?

what, now?

oh, just feeling a little bit lonely, just feeling a bit on my own (oh, deja vu)

i am so cold, i feel so cold. i just need some comfort. i just want to know someone is there; here.
i just need to be hugged, held, helped, felt. i need to feel. feel some other presence besides my own.

(just a bit of deja vu)

it’s happening again. i feel so stuck in this blasted solitude. and i’m not sure i will ever be warmed again.

losing faith.

(just feel a little deja vu)

all l’m looking for is warmth and light, but i’m looking in all the wrong places. i know where to look but i am just... hesitant.

hesitant to look into what i am not sure is there.. i mean i know it is there, i’ve felt it for pete’s sake but.. i just, don’t believe that what i want is in that place. so i try to find it in places that are visible, physical, easy to believe. but oh, how wrong i am for putting my faith there. i try to get myself to think that what i want is in these places where it is truly so absent…or just impossible to be.

(feeling a little deja vu, deja vu)

to clear things up, i want what i want in the places i want (where what i want is not wanted), not in places i don’t know if i can want because what i want might not be where i want or what i want, for that matter. i am hesitant to get rid of the lies and start seeing some truth.

and

i need you so much closer.

(transatlanticism, death cab for cutie)

(flush) say goodbye

bleh. its all going down. somebody around here flushed the toilet i live in and everything here is whirlying its way down.

my relationships are crumbling, one by one, leaving me distanced and empty. i feel abandoned. but, oh yes, there is good reason for this fleeing of my friends. i make too many mistakes too many times.. i'm just too much.

but all of this rubble is leaving me blind of what i do have here for me. but i'm so scared, so faithless.. scared to see if the rest have all gone, and at the same time scared to see if they are still there, because it will only leave me not believing that they'll stay.

the absentness is already shaking up my knees, and i know its coming for my heart. but i shall build up this rubble of ruined relationships and protect myself behind a wall once more.

and now, my only outlet, sports, is gone too. i have no way to get it off my shoulders and feel the adrenaline rush through me and lead all the rottenness out my lungs. away from my heart.

i can't do any volleyball, i am so out of it, it all feels so wrong, so backwards. i can't play soccer, can't dribble, can't kick, can't keep it up. i can't throw a baseball, can't catch, can't get into the movement. all i can do is run. and run. and run. but i'm so tired of running, but my legs keep pressing on, trying to run away from all this mess, but the poison never can leave my chest, and i fall heaving, surrounded by my failed..sanity. blast.

let me cry for now tonight, love.
say you'll catch my shame-filled tears,
tell me you'll take them to turn them,
and show them of times
when they
could burn and breathe and become the
stars we'd look to in darkness,
when we'd be dancing and daring,
and all we needed
was light.

contradiction

everything i say contradicts what i do.

everything i do contradicts what i believe.

everything i believe contradicts what i say.





..i think.