get ouht of this placfe3 (frantic hands/heavy head)

my head feels really heavey thats why i'm on the couch with my head back not looking at what i'm typing.. lets how it turn s out ..
i thinkn i'm holding too much stuff up there. .up here.. its affecting all of me, and it hurts realy bat.. i wish i could jst let some of this stuff go.. its all still there, all weighin g me doen. i'm feeling rso much hatred... and it s horribe, idk who atr, me him? all of us? COULD YOU JUST STIOO?! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPOPIGN?! THERE ARE PPL SUFFERIENG ANDWHAT AREE YOU DOING?~ orr.. like.. YOU HELP TOO MUCH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. i don't.. even know you.. or at mysrlf.. i jut feel like v'fve nmmmade too man y mistakes to be forgiven.. but rbrty ytim ie tyh try to bask for forgivenesss. i can't say a thing.. i mean, i don't know wat it is. atr alla.. and i'm feeliong like.. ike theres no where to go, no one will take me in ith all this hatred welling inside of me. i don't know what it its, so i don't know who to stip it. or myaybe.. no. i need to stop it. this parasire of fear and hatee. its AEDUL.
i'm really scared tho, i do'n't feel aything will ever mend. i'll just keep bleeding and trying to stem the flow, but it will never close up, i will never have a svar. i can't fo this my slsf. i need you hrlp, but i sure as hell don't qwant it. i'm rirted of askuing for help. nothing helps. wel.. no those are just distractions. nothing tryly toiucches me with thisbarrrier of hate and anger blogkiung all elseo ut. its not hea,thy not a t all, and i'm scafred.. i will never been healthy aabgain.. i feel like crying, like beaingt some ien up, like laying doen to reat. just fdor a little while.. just rest, i can' tresrt, suer i can sleep but when was rth elast time i rested? i feel so weary.. so eshausted.. and idkn what to do.. how to stop it.

i kleep thinkging about big bear, how i would love to go there with yu, and lhust.. have fun. its been so long, i just want to be away feom thse jealousys and forget it all.. we can ust be, brogheers and sisters.. just be a faminly again,.. thats all i want.

but then i think of holding hands.. two times have i actrually done it. first time, i hated for it, so mad, so sad,. second time i loved it, it felt so good, so interlaced.. warm.

i need to stop talking about this, i'm just distraciing myseldf. we need to stay focuse.. dno. it hurts dar to bad. i refuse. i just want to rest.. lay down on a blamnkiw in lacey park.. eyes, hands, the sunset sprinting..

i hate love. it hurts. i hate it. it stabs worse than lots of thinsfs.. it hurts. i'm tired o f it, i'm tired oif hutiung, i need to let it out. i have. haven't i? not i haven; stai doa word o f it, i haven's tsay id anything, vcuz i don't know waht to say, ineed to say evrerythign,. ot nothing. can you say something? please?. just be honest for ones.e just tell me the truth. i love you i hate you . i need you . i don't wanna. i akljfpslkdjvca

fk;vl'lkakj afalkfjn;ad.

freaking ou, i cn' tdo this, i tfon't wqnna , maybe i shjould becoime a stone agaon, just toikc. not pain, not gain. maybe i'm fing wwit hta. n=maybe not. you plrayed. and if i don't fget better, ithign will come for you. i need to get beteter,. i neef o grt barette. 8i fon' know how to grt better. help me.. please. no. pease. vibreations.. vibrations. bibreations.. too mucn passion. i neec this tho. help me get out of this place.

io don't know how to get you out of this plac, oi cdon't knmow how to get yuou outt of hit splace. i don't know how to get you outt of this place.

i don't fell good.