Wednesday, May 30, 2007

the floatation of my gum wrapper life


my life just floated lightly, whitely off the side of the couch, the arm, it was. i saw it out of the corner of my eye. it flew in the shape of a gum wrapper, it did.

only so long


running out of time
a bit fast, i must admit
so quick to leave me?

scream, what do you want?
turn around, sigh around, leave.
lone pigeon, one line.

it seems too late, too
late to start what has begun
we meant it to, yes.

we longed. for so long.
we did. something must happen,
we thought, too late though.

we didn't pause, no
hesitation, we flung our
selves into the wind.

we didn't begin
to wonder how we would catch,
we leapt together.

thoughtlessness molded
us. it bound us, held us tight.
we let it, we did.

but now that we're here,
time is speeding quickly past,
do we let it go?

stand still, stop stuck, stay.
left to the right, bash, bang, boom.
mumbled prayers, don't let

us collide, hold us
together and balanced, now
for once in our life.

misread your glances,
hold your hand, sweating, worried.
walk away, what have

i done?

look in my eyes, tell
me the truth, how long do we
want this, how long will

it go, despite fights,
fevers, foreigners? without
a gathering of

times, will there be a
story for us, a love to
remember if we

continue this way?
no time to waste, no time to
lose, not like this. the

sands of this time are
flitting freely through fingers
as we slip our hands

apart. no! please stay.
hold me for the rest, let me
see the love shine in the

breathless youthfulness
between our lives. remind me
of the new ahead,

whisper, it is good
we are okay, we will be,
no matter what we

see, we will live this
and remember as our new
beginning, our chance.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

another milestone


hullo beautiful, beautiful people of the world. today is my birthday, and i am now officially fourteen years old. heck yes. and let me tell you, its not as dumb or as "cursed" (we'll get to that) as i was expecting. and yes it does feel different, not exactly being fourteen compared to being thirteen, but that period of my life to this one. i'll explain a trifle later. for now, about today.

i have been treated very fine today, spending time with my family.. the highlight at this moment would be spending a good chunk of my day at dearest lacy park, man alive, i love that place. whoo whee. it just felt really good, running around, tossing balls, having a picnic, laughing.. i dunno, just really fresh and alive. i felt myself too, me coming back again, there was no pending stuff. it was just good. no worries. and its like everything vanished and what was left was that raw, naked version of me.. i dunno, bit of an essence? and i just felt blessed to have lived another year, even if it wasn't that pleasant at times, i LIVED it, made it through with the glorious, gracious help of everyone who kept me on my feet.. and i feel really blessed too because i know that i have made it here, and i know this year will be different, maybe not better, maybe not worse, but different, and for that i am thankful.

last night wasn't the best on record, no, not at all. i was really depressed and the most common question was, "who am i?". i was missing myself, i didn't even know who that was and i just.. felt so screwed up again, suffocated, and dying. it was awful. and i think i am beginning to see, right now, that that was the end of being 13. that was some of my major suffering reappearing, and i just kept thinking, around midnight that "this fourteen stuff ain't so sweet, not a good way to start, this beginning.. its cursed". but what i failed to realize is that that wasn't the beginning yet, that was the end of something, that period in my life, that "lost me" time.

but now, now i'm beginning to see that that time is behind me, there is no going back and this new road up ahead of me is a total blank canvas, and its mine to do with what i want. mine to live. sure things are gonna try to lurk up from the past travels and drag me back, but i think with this new map and view of the road, i might be able to fight them off and keep on marching. hopefully. other things are gonna come on my road, either to walk with me, keep me walking, or to try and hinder me, but whatever they do, it is part of this journey and i will keep on living it. i'm gonna live this. all of it. beacuse its mine to live. and for that i am thankful.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Life of a Cathedral


A cathedral on a hill. Six different rays of light. Dust in the shadows, dust in the light, dust filling the air, flitting off the walls, the ceilings, the floors, with only one thought: Pervade their lungs. Together they might be able to send them away, the intruders, they would cough their way out, out into the surreal, sun-blinded world, away from this place, to leave it in its harsh grey.

Peaceful, quiet, forgotten grey.

All feelings of loneliness had faded over the years, or rather, had been coated in dust just like the rest of itself. But now, now they came with their tools and their voices, uproariously unsettling all that once was; uncovering memories in the removal of the dust.

No. It could not be. The old cathedral sent its croaking voice, aged, cracked, monotonous as it was, out into the daylight, and caught the wind. The wind who had been its only companion all this long while, fleeting and fickle though it was, came, knew, and wordlessly fought. It called the dust, raised it, spun it, filled the cathedral. The muffled voices and the clanging metal against the cold stone continued to echo amidst the swirling dust. The wind rushed and blew, more powerfully than before, longing to help its old friend of the hills. Selflessly slamming into the stones, the people, the metal. Anything and everything was disturbed, hit by the wind.

All peace was broken.

Suddenly everything went quiet. The people had fled, but this new silence did not bring peace. All seemed lost. The cathedral silently reminisced in the emptiness. Years had gone by. It hadn’t heard voices in such a long time and when they finally came it was too sudden, too… alive. No preparation. The cathedral fought them away, tried to close them out, destroy them, anything. Anything… but now, now they were gone, gone with the peace, the wind, the light.

The desolate cathedral moaned. Too much remembering, old dreams, faded and frayed that had been worked out from under the dust now shone through the cathedral like lost, pure sunlight. Nothing could be done. The cathedral was alone again, alone all except for those excruciating memories. It saw itself now, this cathedral. Saw itself for what it was, bleak, weary, deteriorating. No. This lifelessness scared the cathedral, and nothing could be done… Wait for the dust to settle down once more, the cathedral wanted to tell itself.

Days past, the dust did settle, but the stupefied cathedral did not feel at all that way. It continuously tried to forget the pain that life brought, the warmth, the light, the noise, the company. But the cathedral became worried now, wondering if this lack of life may just be worse. The cathedral didn’t realize, however, that even though those who came carried hearts of metal only to demolish, it had once again been noticed. The pain was so acute, it deprived the cathedral of all hope.

Then one day with a creak of the door, a sliver of light, came a patch of flowing white muslin. A modest gasp followed by a patter of bare feet. The wind whistled by with the scent of a meddler, but became still. Waiting, watching. The cathedral was at first flustered, then quieted as the feet promptly stopped. Stopped in the middle of the cathedral. Breathlessly, softly, heavenly, the girl began to twirl, to dance, laugh, slowly and gently at first, then faster, louder, gloriously. The beauty of it all, this new feeling made the cathedral exhale, breathe out all the old dust, and everything it covered. This feeling was lovely. Brilliant. Glowing.

It was life.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

get ouht of this placfe3 (frantic hands/heavy head)


my head feels really heavey thats why i'm on the couch with my head back not looking at what i'm typing.. lets how it turn s out ..
i thinkn i'm holding too much stuff up there. .up here.. its affecting all of me, and it hurts realy bat.. i wish i could jst let some of this stuff go.. its all still there, all weighin g me doen. i'm feeling rso much hatred... and it s horribe, idk who atr, me him? all of us? COULD YOU JUST STIOO?! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPOPIGN?! THERE ARE PPL SUFFERIENG ANDWHAT AREE YOU DOING?~ orr.. like.. YOU HELP TOO MUCH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. i don't.. even know you.. or at mysrlf.. i jut feel like v'fve nmmmade too man y mistakes to be forgiven.. but rbrty ytim ie tyh try to bask for forgivenesss. i can't say a thing.. i mean, i don't know wat it is. atr alla.. and i'm feeliong like.. ike theres no where to go, no one will take me in ith all this hatred welling inside of me. i don't know what it its, so i don't know who to stip it. or myaybe.. no. i need to stop it. this parasire of fear and hatee. its AEDUL.
i'm really scared tho, i do'n't feel aything will ever mend. i'll just keep bleeding and trying to stem the flow, but it will never close up, i will never have a svar. i can't fo this my slsf. i need you hrlp, but i sure as hell don't qwant it. i'm rirted of askuing for help. nothing helps. wel.. no those are just distractions. nothing tryly toiucches me with thisbarrrier of hate and anger blogkiung all elseo ut. its not hea,thy not a t all, and i'm scafred.. i will never been healthy aabgain.. i feel like crying, like beaingt some ien up, like laying doen to reat. just fdor a little while.. just rest, i can' tresrt, suer i can sleep but when was rth elast time i rested? i feel so weary.. so eshausted.. and idkn what to do.. how to stop it.

i kleep thinkging about big bear, how i would love to go there with yu, and lhust.. have fun. its been so long, i just want to be away feom thse jealousys and forget it all.. we can ust be, brogheers and sisters.. just be a faminly again,.. thats all i want.

but then i think of holding hands.. two times have i actrually done it. first time, i hated for it, so mad, so sad,. second time i loved it, it felt so good, so interlaced.. warm.

i need to stop talking about this, i'm just distraciing myseldf. we need to stay focuse.. dno. it hurts dar to bad. i refuse. i just want to rest.. lay down on a blamnkiw in lacey park.. eyes, hands, the sunset sprinting..

i hate love. it hurts. i hate it. it stabs worse than lots of thinsfs.. it hurts. i'm tired o f it, i'm tired oif hutiung, i need to let it out. i have. haven't i? not i haven; stai doa word o f it, i haven's tsay id anything, vcuz i don't know waht to say, ineed to say evrerythign,. ot nothing. can you say something? please?. just be honest for ones.e just tell me the truth. i love you i hate you . i need you . i don't wanna. i akljfpslkdjvca

fk;vl'lkakj afalkfjn;ad.

freaking ou, i cn' tdo this, i tfon't wqnna , maybe i shjould becoime a stone agaon, just toikc. not pain, not gain. maybe i'm fing wwit hta. n=maybe not. you plrayed. and if i don't fget better, ithign will come for you. i need to get beteter,. i neef o grt barette. 8i fon' know how to grt better. help me.. please. no. pease. vibreations.. vibrations. bibreations.. too mucn passion. i neec this tho. help me get out of this place.

io don't know how to get you out of this plac, oi cdon't knmow how to get yuou outt of hit splace. i don't know how to get you outt of this place.

i don't fell good.

Monday, May 7, 2007

whats up with the heat?!


i know many of us were ticked about the heat today, mid 90s, no breeze, no clouds. our stiff, sticky, and sweaty selves would trudge around grumbling, "grr.. global warming."

we all know that this blasted "global warming" is making it the world hotter, i mean duh, global = world.. warming = heat, you'd have to be an idiot not to know that, buuuuut, how many of us know what global warming is? honestly. here, i'll give you a quote from http://www.stopglobalwarming.org (a website you all must visit)...

"The Earth as an ecosystem is changing, attributable in great part to the effects of globalization and man. More carbon dioxide is now in the atmosphere than has been in the past 650,000 years. This carbon stays in the atmosphere, acts like a warm blanket, and holds in the heat — hence the name ‘global warming.’

The reason we exist on this planet is because the earth naturally traps just enough heat in the atmosphere to keep the temperature within a very narrow range - this creates the conditions that give us breathable air, clean water, and the weather we depend on to survive. Human beings have begun to tip that balance. We've overloaded the atmosphere with heat-trapping gasses from our cars and factories and power plants. If we don't start fixing the problem now, we’re in for devastating changes to our environment. We will experience extreme temperatures, rises in sea levels, and storms of unimaginable destructive fury. Recently, alarming events that are consistent with scientific predictions about the effects of climate change have become more and more commonplace."

tuff stuff man.

and i mean, we can all go around with our grumbles, "blasted global warming..!", buuuuuut whos fault is it really? and whos working to fix it? are we just gonna keep complaining or are we gonna start getting our sunny, breezy, 75 degree so cal weather?

okokok.. i guess i can't blame us totally, we are a tad ignorant, i need to fill y'all in! so we know what it is, but what can any of us do about it, that is the question! ok, here see,

uhm.. well this is what i'm doing..

1. go to youtube and watch "i need to wake up" by melissa etheridge.
- "wow" in disgusted awe a bit as you are clued in and prepared to make a difference
2. go to http://www.stopglobalwarming.org and
- join the virtual march
- learn some more
3. rent "an inconvienient truth"
4. make your difference (i.e. plant trees, ride bikes, buy organic stuff, take shorter showers, reuse, reduce, recycle, etc.)

and so yeah, i know this stuff can be freaky, and we'll be all, "agh! its the end of the world! theyre is NO hope!" and stuff, but really we can do stuff to turn it around, its not irreversible, its not futile, its not the end! we can stop this, we can change things, turn em back, right?

aware

Saturday, May 5, 2007

take my breath away (clockwork)


life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. -anonymous.

last nite was amazing. me and some buddies went to see spida-man at the mall. it was packed. i don't think the movie was my favorite part. i think just being there with people i love. man alive. i don't think one thing went wrong (cept maybe that popcorn). i can honestly say, it was all good. all good..

it was so nice.. and cozy, and comfortable. smiley and cinnamon sugar coated. blissful and bright. chipper and changing. i felt really, really good..

the smiles. the pretzels. the water.

the hands, the fingers, the eyes.

oh, man. oh, man. oh, man. whoo whee..

i felt so hyped up, so strong, so.. senselessly included. welcomed.

it all fit. all interlaced. all worked. clockwork..

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

we puzzle: lovely? cow dung?


troubled by mem'ries,
recent and fresh, noticed too.
like baby cow dung.

amidst the action,
nothing is more beautiful.
start of the lovely.

glance to backward lands,
looking for duller grasses,
asking, were we right?

the cusp of our hearts
ignites many wonderings.
to be or.. maybe...

check ahead, check back,
which way to go? we puzzle,
is this where its right?

we hear many tales,
some become our own, some theirs,
are these all we sense?

we map it all out,
look where we've been, where to go
but who will take us?

its in our hands now,
unsure, and shaking. can we?
together, will we?