whisper and the untolds

i have so many drafts. like 23 or something.
i never stop writing, never stop talking, yet its amazing how little i truly say.
i never stop my hyperactivity, never stop moving, yet its amazing how stone-stiff i still am.

i'm holding so much back in, so much art, so much anger.
i'm not really letting myself scream it, sound it out.
it all stays here, i got rid of so much, yet its all still so here.
i can't cry, i always slap myself back, it stings worse that way,

but i just can't let myself (i know you can't either, i know that you know).

i feel rather explosive, dear.

i don't think i will blow up, not really sure, as i already have the power of a bomb, but i think i will slowly, silently, begin to wilt away. oh, yes.

break me down now, open me up.

and the silent severed serenades,
softly in the starlight, now, stay still.
no sunshine speaks, no stars release,
when shall we be set free?
oh send me soaring, shining saviour;
whisper me away.
start out your swift silk melody,
and suffuse my aching soul.

boxes/silently screaming

i'm not
gonna cry.
gonna talk.
gonna hold on.
gonna remember.

no one wants to hear me go on about this. NO one. so i won't.

i'm tired and sick. and this is a very dumb idea. its pointless and it makes me weak. so what am i doing? i don't know..

but i'm closing off again. its my only outlet, that box was comfy.

and blind.

this is so dumb, i can't believe myself.

but "you have broken me, all the way down, you'll be the last, you'll see."*

no more of this, nope. i'm going back into the cover of darkness. back to the proctection.

i wish you would stop me. i wish you would speak. i wish you could remember how. i can help you out, i can. but you have told me, you have told me not to try. and so you can't help me, i know you could, but you won't.

we could help eachother out here, if we could talk. but we are sore. we are hurt. we are stubborn. we are tired. we are blind. we are such jackasses.

you are screaming out in your silent march. i am silent in my constant screams.

you're in your box, and now i'm in mine. who will knock now?

(* from "all the way down" from once)

my freedom on the horizon

I AM FREE!!!!!!!! FREEDOM IS MINE!!! I AM ALIVE, I AM ME, AND I AM FREE!!!! OH MY GOOOOOODNEESSSSSS!

i just deleted at least 2500 emails!!! emails that held so many promises, so many hopes, so many reminders of me being dropped, of the ends, of evaporations. but now, i can get out of there, of that rocky past imprinted in emails from october to june, and start living here, cuz its a new day from NOW on!

thank you to seth!!! WHOOO HOOO! he gets the credit! the credit for encouraging me to delete them, move on from my past, not just dig deeper in my little ditch, but work my way out!!! i thank him for helping me along, reread some and delete them all, all as i was weeping and sobbing and falling apart..

but do y'all know what this means?!?!

all of that from before, all of that not being able to forgive, not being able to forget, move on at all, all of that being stuck wallowing in my past, well all that is being ended slowly but surely. this was the first step, deleting all the crap that was back there, in its physical form, was so empowering, it was the first step i've taken upwards in a really long time. and getting rid all of that bahookie that was holding me down, all of that which is now melting away, all these bonds to my past that are evaporating, directly leads to my freedom!

and I'M doing it! I'M deleting these emails, I'M moving on, I'M cleaning up these wounds, I'M HEALING!!! with the support of my loverly, faithful, glorious, gracious, gracious friends and leaders! and i will be free, and alive, and well.. AND FREE!!! did i mention that already?!!! it don't matter, cuz FREEDOM IS ON THE HORIZON, AND I AM FLYING TOWARDS IT!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

the drunken colors of today/peace? (a jumbled, mumbled flock of poems)

i bit my nails off short again,
slammed once more to the wall.
i peeked back at you,
grimaced and sighed,
and remembered all we had been.

[sick to my stomach,
sick in my head,
dirt-rotten hangover,
drinking up love again.
i went too far,
too far to tell,
until it was over,
and i was too drunk to care.
but then it hurt,
and i refused,
refused to love like that again.]

time will tell if my nails grow back,
if my heart returns,
and i can love again.
clean up the blood,
and heal these scars,
hope once more,
and be fulfilled.

{the love of before,
of bliss and becomings,
was brazen and wine,
the warmth and the fire of touch.

the future was blank,
rough blacks and harsh whites,
waiting for us to fill in the color.
but no, now it stays, forever in starkness.

the present is clashing,
colliding, and crazy.
a jumble of neon,
until.. it is softened.}

i realize now, now after my moving,
that this was the right way to go.
i can see clearly, see cleanly,
its soft on my eyes, and now, i see, we may rest.

rest apart, but resting the same,
a forever-long break is welcomed
and wholesome.
we've finally found our peace.

peace

i would like to announce that i am a pacifist. i think i have been, or have been trying to be one, but announcing it makes it all the more.. official. well duh. but yeah. here for all of you who don't know,

pacifism is the opposition to war or violence as a means of settling disputes. Pacifism covers a spectrum of views ranging from the belief that international disputes can and should be peacefully resolved, to absolute opposition to the use of violence, or even force, under any circumstances. Pacifism is not limited to just war, but can include resisting to use any form of violence at all. (wikipedia)

this, however, doesn't mean i'm weak; this standing for peace and not fighting for myself and others destructively, but trying to resolve things wholistically and peacefully. nope. it does not. and even though socking someone in the face or blowing them away might seem like the most effective method immediately, in the long run, its only gonna come and sock you back, right?

"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

jus a bit o' lyrics

okay, i know i've put this on here before in different ways.. but like, its coming back and fitting more than ever, so i thought i'd put it up again. its part of some postal service lyrics. gotta love 'em. yesh.

I WANT SO BADLY TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS TRUTH THAT LOVE IS REAL.
AND I WANT LIFE IN EVERY WORD TO THE EXTENT THAT ITS ABSURD.

-"clark gable" the postal service.

two headed snake: attack of the multiple maturity levels.

okay.. i've needed to post about this for a while now. tired of retelling it and forgetting who knows and who doesn't and blah de blah, so i'm just gonna explain it here. okay? okay.

i am a person of multiple maturity levels. a lot of people probably are. maybe. mine just happen to be a tad major, or bipolar. well not like the disorder, but like.. extreme opposites. there are two main maturity levels here, which i will explain.

there is the part of me which is your normal 14 year old girl, thinking about normal 14 year old girl stuff, how a 14 year old girl does. thats how its done. physically i am 14. relationally i am 14. i'm not necessarily immature, just.. normal.. yeah. well as normal as i can get, but still.

then there is the part of me that is more evident on this blog. the thoughtful, mature, and deep part. pensive, reflective, etc. (ehehe, "etc."). with my deeper aspects, cynical and romatic views, i am older. i think. and views of the world around me. but yeah..

for a while i was going through some really confused (well, really, what isn't for me?) soul searching business, like trying to find the real me. it was pretty hard to tell cuz sometimes one would come out and other times the other would, and it was pretty evenly spread out and similar length wise. so i was all perplexed, asking why there were so many "MEs" in me, and did i want them all there, and shouldn't there only be one ME, and which one is it, anyways? and all that stuff. and then i realized that that was just it, there was only one me, they were all me, it was all me. there was no one part, there was no one maturity level, they all were and they all were good. it didn't matter, i could live with it.

or thats what i thought.

until that blasted love came into the picture.

it left me dissatisfied, disappointed, torn, and more confused than ever. i won't explain, however. it already drove me nuts and i would prefer not to have to talk about it for a while.

i've worked it out, just to let you all know, but the problems keep coming. grr.

and so yeah, its just been tough, making decisions that i am afraid may kill or damage one part of me, or moving in directions that would allow one part of me to become dormant (is this sounding really familiar to you too?), and all that jazz. seperate feelings, seperate views, all inside me. i feel like a two headed snake. one part of me wanting to go this way, the other wanting to go that way, how will i ever survive in the wild?