Saturday, April 28, 2007

intoxication


i have been so quick to anger as of late. its just every little thing stabs me, drives me out of my peace, which by the way is shrinking. i glare, i grr, i just become infuriated, and its all so quick, because i can lose it just as fast. but my temper keeps flaring and my head keeps whirling and i just am almost always in irate tears. i feel so horribly disgusted and so, so mad at myself for it. i keep wanting to pound someone to the ground, just beat the living daylights outta someone. its so appalling, and it hurts real bad, all the violence, all the stress, all the fury, all the wreckage. it just.. kills.

i have been thinking about it a lot when i can squeeze it in during my times of peace and reflection, and nothing is really helping, the anger always returns so rapidly. i just don't really know what to do. i feel so helpless and enraged. it might be because i am really tired, i hope thats it, but a lot of what i get mad about is valid.. but i guess i still shouldn't be acting this way.

i have also been thinking about things done to me in the past and things i've done in the past. its been rough, but not that brutal, i think thats because i've let a lot of it out... i think i've let a lot of it out.. but i don't think i've forgiven all that much of it. truly forgiven all the people.. truly forgiven myself. and so despite the release of these angers they still swarm around me. instead of holding them inside of me, and letting them rot me through, i have breathed them out, but they haven't left, they just stay and intoxicate the air i breathe. i feel so choked up. so constricted, but i can't.. i just can NOT let go..

we thought we were starving...


ok, so i just got back from my 30 Hour Famine.. a thing from World Vision for youth groups where we fast for (guess how many) 30 hours earning money and seeing how it feels to be without food for that long. we don't eat so other people can and this whole time we're doing service projects [that (erg..) usually involve food]. and i mean its really fun and stuff, and yeah. but this year a lot of things have REALLY hit me. and it ain't that hott.

ok, so we were split into tribe teams and me and this one dude were a team and we had to go shopping at markets with only 15 dollars and buy food with the best variety, amount, and nutritional value. so as we were going we would go by all this stuff like cake mix and i would be like, "oooooooh..!", but then i would remember that we really needed the protein from the beans and stuff, and since we were on a budget, that was our top priority. and in the end we had like 1 bag of food that coulda really fed us for a couple of days, and it just whacked me really REALLY hard how excessively i live and all the food i take in is just so overindulgent.. and its like i just make eating a habit like i don't have to think about it, worry about it at all, its just there, and i eat it. like every time i walk by the pantry i'll grab a box of cheez-its and my eating is almost constant. and now it just makes me so sick cuz like.. in so many other places in the world eating is not constant at all, its not regular and its not always available, quite the contrary actually. it could be day, week or MONTH long intervals between meals, and here i sit scarfing like theres no tomorrow, and i know that i will have food tomorrow, and the next day, i will be provided for, and in the rest of the world, for some of these people, there ACTUALLY will be no tomorrow. not like this. not at the rate their eating. and its very unlikely that these children in these poverty and disease stricken families will be provided for, all this work is not enough.

i felt really good about doing this whole famine thing, i can stop eating for a while, let the children eat. but its like, at the end we just all sit there, cramming food, just stuffing our faces, and its only been 1 day and a 1/4!!! i mean, seriously, i was watching my friends and i couldn't eat my half plate of food, i was so disgusted. we all would whine during the famine, "ohhhh, i'm STARVING!!!" but we are so not. not comparitively. its like we will NEVER really know that suffering. not at all. we all knew that we were going to be fed, we would get our food, we would be provided for, there was no real pain or worry. we will never have to feel that suffering, not me. i feel so blessed, but this is way too much. everyone should be blessed with the necessities of life, it shouldn't be a blessing, it should be a given, right? and i mean if we all just shared..

while we were fasting, this woman who had done a mission trip to hawaii came to talk to us. and she said that back in hawaiis history there was no owned land. no one had property, it was the earths and they lived on it, worked on it, and allowed it to grow. no one owned it because it was no one's to own, it was there and it was shared, from the mountains to the beaches.

isn't that a beautiful thing? thats how the earth was, thats how it should be. there is enough resources for everyone. EVERYONE. but the world we are living in now has more than 20,000 people dying EVERY DAY of extreme poverty. where here we are filling our stomachs to the limits. we eat our portion AND theirs!!! does that make ANY sense to you, at ALL?! no. i mean, if we all just shared a bit, did what we learned in preschool ["sharing is caring..." (PRESCHOOL PEOPLE!!!)] we could just feed so many, save so many lives, we could end poverty.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

stuck still


today i felt very.. uhm, disappointed? frustrated? shruggy?

i feel stuck somewhere and i might be standing still, i might be going backwards, but i don't feel like i'm going anywhere. every time i get to lunge ahead is during these.. moments. they are just amazing and they ignite me and just make me feel so.. just brilliant. but i mean, they seem so rare, they are getting smash-ed by the weight of normality--humdrummity. and i just don't know if i should stay here waiting, staring... longing. i mean, is there anything more to give? anything more to take? i don't want to think about these things. not at all. (i want to... hold you and mean it. thats something. thats something to give. to take. to share.)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

i.. don't.. know.. why i.. feel.. so.. tongue.. tiiiiiiiiiiied.

ok, i'm doing it again. stretching my annoyingness on a bit farther and posting lyrics without a video.. its just cuz i'm too darn lazy, and i'd rather go to sleep, but here.. these lyrics kinda fit for today.. a bit. the end is a bit more what i'm staring at, the second half, thats the part i keep on.. singing. for all of yous who don't know what myxomatosis is, i do believe its some sorta bunny disease. you guys all need to ask me to show you the song tomorrow.. or asap. cuz its like totally different and way more disconcerting than how it looks. ok? i mean, thats radiohead for you. i guess you could youtube it, cuz you know i ain't got the video here, but i don't know if its any good.. so just listen to the song. you know what. whateva this is really pissing me off. just.. here.

myxomatosis
by radiohead

The mongrel cat came home
Holding half a head
Proceeded to show it off
To all his new found friends
He said I been where I liked
I slept with who I like
She ate me up for breakfast
She screwed me in a vice
But now
I don't know why
I feel so tongue-tied
I sat in the cupboard
And wrote it down real neat
They were cheering and waving
Cheering and waving
Twitching and salivating like with myxomatosis
But it got edited fucked up
Strangled beaten up
Used in a photo in time magazine
Buried in a burning black hole in devon
I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis
Yeah no one likes a smart ass but we all like stars
But that wasn't my intention, I did it for a reason
It must have got mixed up
Strangled beaten up
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis
I don't know why I
Feel so tongue-tied

Monday, April 23, 2007

relational ADD


it seems things last for such short times now, everything is so fleeting and fickle and fast.

it just seems as if there is no space anymore. no space to make mistakes, no space to mend them. everything we do seems threatened with minimal time and space that its impossible to know where things start and where things end. everything is so fidgety, moving constantly. there is little time to pause, for fear of sudden changes, we feel we need to stay on our toes. there seems to be little time to rest assured.

we do not yet know where the boundaries lie, we see only faded lines and we only know that we've passed them once we actually have. by that time it may seem too late. it is so hard to follow.

the assurances given me, promised me... just seem to make me so UNsure.. i just don't know. how can i? how can any of us truly know? i need to.. it has been too long, too much time of me abiding in ignorance, or soaking myself in false beliefs, that i NEED to know, be sure at all times. i know that is asking a lot. i know, and i am sorry.

and i mean, the automatic response would be total trust, right? and i agree 'cept for the fact that some of the people i trust the MOST have.. well not LIED per se, just not told the truth--they didn't say anything at all, just let things slide. so yeah, its just tough. and i wish i could always believe them.. but its just like, not anymore. so i'm stuck just feeling like its all going downhill with one misunderstood look, or one period of indifference.. which kills.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

myb.

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h, mn. h, mn! nw y'll gnn gt md t m, knw t! ghhh.. 'm s srry.. t y t m.

oh, my... look!


ok.. you know that feeling..? where everything is going so well, its all good, everyone seems happy, its almost perfect and totally clear, and then all of a sudden your little masterpiece is blown apart, and your eyes fly open and what you see isn't all that pretty. the wreckage, the pain, the disturbance is all up on you, filling your nostrils, burning your eyes, and when you cry you know its not just because of the crap swirling in the sky, you've lost your bliss, your beauty. its like those picture windows: crisp clean glowing meadows, cloudless sky.. but then some rabid monster-- or savior-- comes outta nowhere and rips it to shreds, leaving the mess you've been covering up: a huge gnarly forest burning up into the darkness, dead stuff all over the ground. shudders. ok, its not necessarily THAT serious, but still..

ok, so you feeling me?

and i mean, it could be that the gorgeousness of it all, the perfection, is REAL, its alive and thriving and glorious, and the freak that came out of nowhere to attack the beauty is just some con man trying to get you to see something that is not really happening, and scare you out of your mind. maybe.

you wish. but who really knows? could be, no?


PART ONE

girl. in love with some boy. its been like this for a while now. just keeps getting deeper, worse, we could say. way too much pain, no balance at all. so lopsided. they both know. lots of people probably do. she begins to fall apart, seeing love as nothing but a way to destruction. how can this go anywhere good?

something new! dragging her out of this pain. helping her forget, move on. make new memories. ecstasy! he fills her with confidence, a power to see that its ok. all that she's been through, all that she's done..its all ok. they must move on. its time to learn. to teach. to apologize. to forgive. its brilliant. beautiful. it feels so good. so strong. it is shared. it is even. it is good. finally something returned. balance.

she doesn't forget the one she fell in love with, but she doesn't try to remember. he should be happy, right? he should be happy for her. maybe he is. he wouldn't want her to feel the pain that exists when she falls for him. would he? he doesn't want her to love him like that, it hurts her. maybe he doesn't mind, he can do nothing about the pain. really.

she's never really been to this place before. not really. she finds it so exciting and every thought and sense brings a grin to her face. she hasn't been this happy in ages. she can't stop smiling. she is glowing again, who would've thought he brought it with him? he was the one to come and light her up? what does it matter, they share this goodness together. together. smiling..

she is scared of going back, back to the one she loved like that. maybe because of his protection for her; how will he react? maybe because she might start to fall again, and she cannot have that. she doesn't want it, but who said love was controllable? it doesn't matter, these fears, she fingers the situation again, and it feels ok. her relationship with him is actually stronger and more even than before, now that they both see eachother as the siblings they saw eachother as before. before she started to give in. it is good.

she starts to remember, the closer he gets.. the recollection is acute, she sees it all happening again. the sleeping. the stroking. the peace. the beauty. it was an innocent hand warming ritual, just fingers clasped.. so warmly, so powerfully together. the interlacing.. warmth flows through her-- suddenly she pulls away, the cold coming back fast now. no. this is impossible. neither of them are here. not one. they aren't here. not like this. the end. this isn't happening. no.

INTERMISSION!!!

"the walk"
by imogen heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

PART TWO

the next day. she remembers it all. head.. throbbing.. must find some quiet. no more voices reminding her of what she did. and what can she do? oh, what can she do?! she doesn't want this. not at all. she does NOT. she loves the previous happiness, so alive, so.. magnificent. she wants her confidence. this is a problem. she doesn't want it like this. she looks back into the eyes of the source of her recent happiness, she wants that again. she needs it.

does she really? (please don't ask that) does he really? (oh, no..) is everyone sure? (i need to know fast.) is she just running again? running from that pain, to this blissful, watered-down chaos. the goodness. is she? (over my head.)

NO. she loves them all. she does. she does. still here, still loving.

she is pissed. she feels so angry, taunted, tempted.

that old love. her lovey... did he do that on purpose? he knows how she gets when he does stuff like that. he knows, she knows. its obvious. did he try to slap her back? (BACK INTO WHAT?!) does he want her to be in love with him again? (back into THAT reverie?) IMPOSSIBLE! is he trying to hurt her? he can't want her to love him like that, not now, not like this, not with what has happened. (he wouldn't dare.) was he just trying to save her? to make her see? (any of the above?)

she pulls away. away.. away. back into the arms of her fellow wandering, floating, mean-well friends, her lovers. but is this really where she is meant to be?

(too many questions. too many. just turn back. back into that clarity, back into that free, balanced, wholesome, innocent liking. can't she?)

she will. she has to. she wants to. she needs to. she still does feel that way. yes, she does. indeed. don't worry, sweet.

(take a look at me now..)

Monday, April 16, 2007

taking it all back in


ok.. it was the first day back to school after that glorious restful spring break, and i must say, it wasn't as bad as i was expecting, not at all. i think i was almost ready to go back, oddly enough, missing all the people like mad. i mean sure, it all came tidal-waving back, all the work, all the having to stay in class and focus, but i think i did pretty well with all the stress and nonsense and crap..

in CLASS.

but outside, with the people.. not so much. i was totally freaking out for a good part of the morning, with confusion and awkwardness after seeing people that i have spent so much time with over so much of the break, via electronics, but not physically. it all just added to the "no touchy"ness of the air. it became ok though, eventually, i began to be able to speak understandably again, and i stopped staring and banging my head against stuff.

just chilled and grinned and remembered.

it became pretty good, and smiley, and hopeful. and i mean, instead of treating the knowledge i now have as some virus or foreign object, carefully stepping around the edges of the wide berth i gave it, i can now sort of accept it and take it in, and use it as a bond to make relationships stronger and brighter, y'know? its really good, and since i have sorta adapted back into this atmosphere a bit, i can take it all in and start over in a way, let myself find peace, and a new way of looking at things, let myself build things up..

i'm feeling good again, about all this, hopeful and full of ideas. i feel blessed and open and chipper. i feel strong and able and ready. i am confident, i am bright, i am here.

Friday, April 13, 2007

trying on a different view


lately, i've been wearing 3-D glasses (even though mine don't look quite like that).

i don't exactly know why. i don't see in 2-D, and am just hoping to see more clearly.. like that psycho flash dude thought. oi.

maybe i'm trying to see the world a bit differently. or maybe i just want the world to see me a bit differently. just a different view. we need more of those. if we could see a bit differently, just to understand what others are seeing, then maybe we could make something different. maybe something we don't normally see anymore. like goodness.

there will be people walking by saying "nice glasses, retard." or something equally horrible, but maybe they just need to try them on, maybe then they'd understand. maybe they won't. but a whole other sightline is out there for them.. if they'd just look. if they could just try to see something differently.

did you say.. ROLLER COASTER?!


I WENT TO SIX FLAGGGGGS!!! WHOOHOO! i've never, ever, ever been there in my LIFE! and it was the best time i've had in ages, and after recent events, i really needed that.

i never knew i loved roller coasters so much up until today.. they are splendiferious! i couldn't believe it! and i mean, even though i didn't get to go on the legendary tatsu (sheesh, that line was like 12 years long!!!), i've seen a whole new arrangement and side of roller coasters.. ow! ow! and its like you've got this amazing sense of fear but it is totally overruled by excitement and adrenalin.

this is what i went through before every ride.

first (the idiotic, height/speed induced fear)

"oh.. my.. gawwwwwwsh. look how high that is, ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! is it scary? how fast do you go? aghhhh. my stomach hurts, you people are crazy! crazy i tell you! gasp! gasp! gasp! gasp! GASP!"

then (finally i come to reason, or.. well as close as I can get..)

"wait, why on earth should i be scared? i mean like one person of every 67,893, 400, 052 people die on these, and i mean, i doubt i'm that one. but hey who knows? but i mean, seriously. and whos to say i'm not CRAZY?!"

finally (the dancing, the hopping, the wild eyes!)

"GASP! GASP! GASP! WHOOOOO HOOOOOO! OH, OH, OH! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST! i.. am.. so.. EXCITED!!! I CAN'T WAIT! OOOOOOH! IS THIS ONE FUN! ITS GONNA BE FUN! IT HAS TO BE FUN! ITS NEW FOR ME! IT MUSTTTTT! WHOOOO HOOO!"

and so yeah.. and as you go, every feeling, every tremor to your body, all fear, all thrill.. all paralleling the tracks.

the suspense going up-- click-click-click-click--is so unbearable, and then they pause on the tip right before the drop and your just screaming "WHY?! why are we STOPPED?! GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!!" and then they do and your screaming and laughing and whooping! its like.. electrifying. and there was this one, and i like couldn't scream anymore, i was going so fast i couldn't breathe, and my ears were flooding and i couldn't feel a thing. ohhh, man that was it. i was enthralled at that point. and we went and went and flipped and twirlled and dropped and it was all so exhilirating. and after.. i'm clapping and yelling and whooping and.. man.. i could do that over, and over, and over, and over, and...

whoo.. hott diggity damn. thats all i have to say.

i think i'm in love..

Thursday, April 12, 2007

here's the thing (linkin park: what i've done)

ok, people. this is whats happening.. ok? this is the plan..

what i've done
linkin park

in this farewell,
there’s no blood,
there’s no alibi.
‘cause i've drawn regret,
from the truth,
of a thousand lies.

so let mercy come,
and wash away…

what i’ve done.
i’ll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i've done.

put to rest,
what you thought of me.
while i clean this slate,
with the hands,
of uncertainty.

so let mercy come,
and wash away…

what i’ve done.
i'll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i've done.

for what i’ve done

i start again,
and whatever pain may come.
today this ends,
i'm forgiving what i’ve done.

i'll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i’ve done.

what I’ve done.

forgiving what i’ve done.

regenerated genesis


as you (hopefully) can see, i am starting a new blog. who knows if this is a mere side project, or a whole new beginning in my world of blogging? whatever it is, its a twist in the online adventurings.. right?

as many of you have probably seen, my other blog has become increasingly more.. uhm.. freaky? its been depressing and confusing, and some of you can no longer read it for those reasons alone. some of you never did, cause you believe that anything i create must be annoying, so you didn't even venture a peek. so wait why would you be reading this one? ok, you won't be.. so these last sentences are.. pointless. oh, well.

ANYways, i want to bring you back! so.. i've decided to make this blog, and i've decided to make it more like.. who i was.. you remember? just not as.. dying, self-pitying, and all.. floppy. more alive, vibrant, and confident. 'member me? well, i'm tired of who i'm becoming if i stay on this road, its depressing and can only end in.. uhm.. destruction (?) and that, in general is bad. i want to be constructive, creative, and (i can tell this is getting really inspiring! don't you feel it?!) clean! ok thats enough! this is getting too cheesy. ugh..

ok, back to the point. so i just wanta be pro-_________, yknow? not so negative.. cuz its really not getting anywhere. yeah.. well it'll make more sense as the blog grows, this is just an intro.. right? so we're all good, yeah? yeah..