oh, my... look!

ok.. you know that feeling..? where everything is going so well, its all good, everyone seems happy, its almost perfect and totally clear, and then all of a sudden your little masterpiece is blown apart, and your eyes fly open and what you see isn't all that pretty. the wreckage, the pain, the disturbance is all up on you, filling your nostrils, burning your eyes, and when you cry you know its not just because of the crap swirling in the sky, you've lost your bliss, your beauty. its like those picture windows: crisp clean glowing meadows, cloudless sky.. but then some rabid monster-- or savior-- comes outta nowhere and rips it to shreds, leaving the mess you've been covering up: a huge gnarly forest burning up into the darkness, dead stuff all over the ground. shudders. ok, its not necessarily THAT serious, but still..

ok, so you feeling me?

and i mean, it could be that the gorgeousness of it all, the perfection, is REAL, its alive and thriving and glorious, and the freak that came out of nowhere to attack the beauty is just some con man trying to get you to see something that is not really happening, and scare you out of your mind. maybe.

you wish. but who really knows? could be, no?


PART ONE

girl. in love with some boy. its been like this for a while now. just keeps getting deeper, worse, we could say. way too much pain, no balance at all. so lopsided. they both know. lots of people probably do. she begins to fall apart, seeing love as nothing but a way to destruction. how can this go anywhere good?

something new! dragging her out of this pain. helping her forget, move on. make new memories. ecstasy! he fills her with confidence, a power to see that its ok. all that she's been through, all that she's done..its all ok. they must move on. its time to learn. to teach. to apologize. to forgive. its brilliant. beautiful. it feels so good. so strong. it is shared. it is even. it is good. finally something returned. balance.

she doesn't forget the one she fell in love with, but she doesn't try to remember. he should be happy, right? he should be happy for her. maybe he is. he wouldn't want her to feel the pain that exists when she falls for him. would he? he doesn't want her to love him like that, it hurts her. maybe he doesn't mind, he can do nothing about the pain. really.

she's never really been to this place before. not really. she finds it so exciting and every thought and sense brings a grin to her face. she hasn't been this happy in ages. she can't stop smiling. she is glowing again, who would've thought he brought it with him? he was the one to come and light her up? what does it matter, they share this goodness together. together. smiling..

she is scared of going back, back to the one she loved like that. maybe because of his protection for her; how will he react? maybe because she might start to fall again, and she cannot have that. she doesn't want it, but who said love was controllable? it doesn't matter, these fears, she fingers the situation again, and it feels ok. her relationship with him is actually stronger and more even than before, now that they both see eachother as the siblings they saw eachother as before. before she started to give in. it is good.

she starts to remember, the closer he gets.. the recollection is acute, she sees it all happening again. the sleeping. the stroking. the peace. the beauty. it was an innocent hand warming ritual, just fingers clasped.. so warmly, so powerfully together. the interlacing.. warmth flows through her-- suddenly she pulls away, the cold coming back fast now. no. this is impossible. neither of them are here. not one. they aren't here. not like this. the end. this isn't happening. no.

INTERMISSION!!!

"the walk"
by imogen heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

PART TWO

the next day. she remembers it all. head.. throbbing.. must find some quiet. no more voices reminding her of what she did. and what can she do? oh, what can she do?! she doesn't want this. not at all. she does NOT. she loves the previous happiness, so alive, so.. magnificent. she wants her confidence. this is a problem. she doesn't want it like this. she looks back into the eyes of the source of her recent happiness, she wants that again. she needs it.

does she really? (please don't ask that) does he really? (oh, no..) is everyone sure? (i need to know fast.) is she just running again? running from that pain, to this blissful, watered-down chaos. the goodness. is she? (over my head.)

NO. she loves them all. she does. she does. still here, still loving.

she is pissed. she feels so angry, taunted, tempted.

that old love. her lovey... did he do that on purpose? he knows how she gets when he does stuff like that. he knows, she knows. its obvious. did he try to slap her back? (BACK INTO WHAT?!) does he want her to be in love with him again? (back into THAT reverie?) IMPOSSIBLE! is he trying to hurt her? he can't want her to love him like that, not now, not like this, not with what has happened. (he wouldn't dare.) was he just trying to save her? to make her see? (any of the above?)

she pulls away. away.. away. back into the arms of her fellow wandering, floating, mean-well friends, her lovers. but is this really where she is meant to be?

(too many questions. too many. just turn back. back into that clarity, back into that free, balanced, wholesome, innocent liking. can't she?)

she will. she has to. she wants to. she needs to. she still does feel that way. yes, she does. indeed. don't worry, sweet.

(take a look at me now..)