intoxication

i have been so quick to anger as of late. its just every little thing stabs me, drives me out of my peace, which by the way is shrinking. i glare, i grr, i just become infuriated, and its all so quick, because i can lose it just as fast. but my temper keeps flaring and my head keeps whirling and i just am almost always in irate tears. i feel so horribly disgusted and so, so mad at myself for it. i keep wanting to pound someone to the ground, just beat the living daylights outta someone. its so appalling, and it hurts real bad, all the violence, all the stress, all the fury, all the wreckage. it just.. kills.

i have been thinking about it a lot when i can squeeze it in during my times of peace and reflection, and nothing is really helping, the anger always returns so rapidly. i just don't really know what to do. i feel so helpless and enraged. it might be because i am really tired, i hope thats it, but a lot of what i get mad about is valid.. but i guess i still shouldn't be acting this way.

i have also been thinking about things done to me in the past and things i've done in the past. its been rough, but not that brutal, i think thats because i've let a lot of it out... i think i've let a lot of it out.. but i don't think i've forgiven all that much of it. truly forgiven all the people.. truly forgiven myself. and so despite the release of these angers they still swarm around me. instead of holding them inside of me, and letting them rot me through, i have breathed them out, but they haven't left, they just stay and intoxicate the air i breathe. i feel so choked up. so constricted, but i can't.. i just can NOT let go..