Friday, August 24, 2007

another new blog. ehe.. er.

Hi um.. i know you most of you guys won't be reading this, cuz i've told you i've stopped, but if you do by any chance check here, i'm just letting you know that yet again i've started a new blog, but this one is strictly for my art that i can cram onto this measley thing we call the internet, so basically poetry and photography. so when i come up with something new, it will come up on there, so please uh.. check in regularly if you can, it would mean a lot. so, the link is http://try-somewhere-else.blogspot.com, or you can just go to my profile and see my list of blogs (it should now be up to 3) and pick the one called, i believe, 'escape exhaustion'. yeah.. thanks.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

ONE, lovey


i think this is going to be my last post on here for a while.. so i hope you will read at least this one, and understand me. and i hope if you ever look at your wrist, it will remind you. but first, please, listen.

one.
U2.

is it getting better
or do you feel the same
will it make it easier on you now
you got someone to blame
you say

one love
one life
when its one need
in the night
one love
we get to share it
leaves you baby if you
don't care for it

did i disappoint you
or leave a bad taste in your mouth
you act like you never had love
and you want me to go without
well its

too late
tonight
to drag the past out into the light
we're one, but we're not the same
we get to
carry eachother
carry eachother
one

have you come here for forgiveness
have you come to raise the dead
have you come here to play Jesus
to the lepers in your head

did i ask too much
more than a lot
you gave me nothing
now its all i got

we're one
but we're not the same
well we hurt eachother
then we do it again
you say

love is a temple
love a higher law
love is a temple
love the higher law

you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and i can't be holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt

one love
one blood
one life
you got to do what you should
one life
with eachother
sisters
brothers
one life
but we're not the same
we get to carry each other
carry eachother

one life

one.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

where am i going?/open up.


i'm sorry about these poems, these posts, they're becoming like the last blog: thoroughly depressing and ever enunciating these struggles. i was about to start a new blog and make it more yknow... like how this one was supposed to be "more alive, vibrant, and confident... i want to be constructive and creative." yeah, but the only problem was that i didn't feel confident or creative or constructive. i don't feel alive and glowy.. no shiny happy people. hhh.

"-i need to walk on, do this alone.-

-but you're never alone, those aren't your footprints.- "

i mean really. to be totally honest with you still faithful friends, i feel like i'm becoming everything i always hated, everything i never wanted to be: dependent, needy, clingy. destructive, not at all confident, and strangled. like.. i want to scream this all out, but i don't know what to scream. i want to destroy this box i'm backing into, but when i try to think about it, i only cling tighter to the surrounding walls. i want to escape, but thats the only thing i can't do.

"-yes i am alone, i can't see anyone here.-

-but where do you feel them, not recognize them with your physical senses, but with your soul. open up.-"

i'm at a total standstill, facing myself but refusing to fully look. i have no idea what to do, where to put my trust, and everytime i look at a solution i see how it will only keep me from going on. well whats the point of that? nothing is working, i don't know what to do. okay, you hear me? i don't know what to do. what more can i cry? how can i hear you?

"-i can't feel it, i'm closed off.-

-even if you close off from everything outside of you, you still have your insides, your heart, your soul, your mind. listen.-"

i feel directionless.

"-i can't hear. i need to find where i'm going, i need someone to lead me there.-

-you know where you're going, just be quiet for a bit. listen.-"


where do we go when we can't find our leader? where do we go when we're scared and comfort around us is falling down and we need to walk on feeling ever alone, but never alone; blinded from our surroundings by our fear and our need for solitude.

"-lead me. lead me on.-

-you are going, you are being lead. open your eyes.-"

Monday, July 16, 2007

my perfect picture film


the film has started,
it retells all that i know,
i can recite it

so damn well.

we pass all that was
good, or that i thought was so,
it goes by so fast.

it starts to get worse,
the memories come faster,
clearer and painful.

but i can't cry, now,
no, i can't scream this out loud,
just smile, breaking down.

------------------------------

so much seems missing,
or is that just me, did i
see more than there was?

the script doesn't have
that, but i won't put it there,
cuz you won't listen.

------------------------------

here i start, matching
perfectly with the scene, my
mouth forms the words, now

"i wish you were gone,
now that you truly left me,
i wish you were out

of my life. to me
it seems, you honestly are,
how else could you have

done that? done that.. you
hurt me, hurt me, hurt me now,"
how? you stopped caring.

------------------------------

this

movie in my mind,
echoes and fires and lift-offs
passions and pages.

------------------------------

everyone watched, then
with this anticipation,
as i stared and sighed.

i knew what would come.

he held her, he stroked,
he held her hand, kissed her, now,
and then wiped it all

away.

it wasn't just once,
it wasn't just twice now, no,
this happened in time.

and all of it, now
all washed away, taken back,
how could she respond?

i saw it and i
wanted to blast out with words
i would never say.

------------------------------

"oh turn aside, now,
leave me be now, with this black.
faded, jaded black."

and then he left, yes,
left her there, her mind shredded,
her soul torn, her heart

blinking in the shade.
taking in those shadows, that
repeat and replay

what he had done, what
he had been, mumbled to her,
the lies, the lies, now.

------------------------------

and it makes her feel
so bad, now, but why, when she
wants this? doesn't she?

its all so clear, now,
its all so perfectly dead,
why couldn't she see?

its all of it, all
of it now, too much to read,
can't they start over?

no, why would she go
back there, its never good, it
is artificial.

------------------------------

so, she bites,

"and you don't care, now,
and you won't speak my name, no,
i won't let you come.

all i may know now,
is that you are one big lie,
one falsity here.

thats all thats left now,"
theres no picturesque ending,
nothing like she dreamed.

and she did dream.

the credits role on,
our names hiking by, just like
everyone elses.

------------------------------

to the world we are
just names, or words, or numbers,
but i know we were

something once, oh yes,
i used to think as long as
i knew you, and while

you knew me, that was
all we needed. there was that
one night where i felt

one heart beat.

------------------------------

i see our names and
they are sep'rate now, not one.
and the screen goes black.

and i know its done,
know its over with no last
bit of film, because

there is no hope here,
no end to that dream with the
red confetti, now.

it just

runs on with you, then,
walking back down the grunge-filled
alley, you won't turn.

not ever, not now.

------------------------------

i feel no relief
though, and now i must wonder,
when it waters down,

is it what we need,
or more of what we want, now?
and i can't decide

which it truly is
that i am ridding myself
of. do i need you?

now that i don't want
you, now that you are gone. is
this how it goes on?

------------------------------

no, no, no, no, no.
fade away now, fade to black,
get away, get out.

------------------------------

can i just walk out,
close the doors on the theatre
that played my nightmare.

is it really that
easy now, just to leave this?
is there something left

to say, to do, or
anything more i need now,
any more i want?

or is there a whole
new chapter, one i'm hopeless
about? where is this?

what, now?

Friday, July 13, 2007

oh, just feeling a little bit lonely, just feeling a bit on my own (oh, deja vu)


i am so cold, i feel so cold. i just need some comfort. i just want to know someone is there; here.
i just need to be hugged, held, helped, felt. i need to feel. feel some other presence besides my own.

(just a bit of deja vu)

it’s happening again. i feel so stuck in this blasted solitude. and i’m not sure i will ever be warmed again.

losing faith.

(just feel a little deja vu)

all l’m looking for is warmth and light, but i’m looking in all the wrong places. i know where to look but i am just... hesitant.

hesitant to look into what i am not sure is there.. i mean i know it is there, i’ve felt it for pete’s sake but.. i just, don’t believe that what i want is in that place. so i try to find it in places that are visible, physical, easy to believe. but oh, how wrong i am for putting my faith there. i try to get myself to think that what i want is in these places where it is truly so absent…or just impossible to be.

(feeling a little deja vu, deja vu)

to clear things up, i want what i want in the places i want (where what i want is not wanted), not in places i don’t know if i can want because what i want might not be where i want or what i want, for that matter. i am hesitant to get rid of the lies and start seeing some truth.

and

i need you so much closer.

(transatlanticism, death cab for cutie)

Monday, July 2, 2007

(flush) say goodbye


bleh. its all going down. somebody around here flushed the toilet i live in and everything here is whirlying its way down.

my relationships are crumbling, one by one, leaving me distanced and empty. i feel abandoned. but, oh yes, there is good reason for this fleeing of my friends. i make too many mistakes too many times.. i'm just too much.

but all of this rubble is leaving me blind of what i do have here for me. but i'm so scared, so faithless.. scared to see if the rest have all gone, and at the same time scared to see if they are still there, because it will only leave me not believing that they'll stay.

the absentness is already shaking up my knees, and i know its coming for my heart. but i shall build up this rubble of ruined relationships and protect myself behind a wall once more.

and now, my only outlet, sports, is gone too. i have no way to get it off my shoulders and feel the adrenaline rush through me and lead all the rottenness out my lungs. away from my heart.

i can't do any volleyball, i am so out of it, it all feels so wrong, so backwards. i can't play soccer, can't dribble, can't kick, can't keep it up. i can't throw a baseball, can't catch, can't get into the movement. all i can do is run. and run. and run. but i'm so tired of running, but my legs keep pressing on, trying to run away from all this mess, but the poison never can leave my chest, and i fall heaving, surrounded by my failed..sanity. blast.

let me cry for now tonight, love.
say you'll catch my shame-filled tears,
tell me you'll take them to turn them,
and show them of times
when they
could burn and breathe and become the
stars we'd look to in darkness,
when we'd be dancing and daring,
and all we needed
was light.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

contradiction


everything i say contradicts what i do.

everything i do contradicts what i believe.

everything i believe contradicts what i say.





..i think.

true love? yeah. riiiight.


i don't understand. i mean i do, i know what happened, but why is it like this? i just feel so off.. so cut off or remote and i still have so many questions screaming from my heart and blasting the walls of my brain, but they never reach my lips, never.. my tongue holds it all, tipping, dripping back down my throat.

i just want some love that is true or real or lasting or pure. and i mean, i know where i can find it, i know, i just have trouble reaching that place, and i need support, and its all stepping back now. so in my resistance or fear or cluelessness, i start to doubt that love can last, or really truly exist for that matter. i know i can get the essence of all love, but i'm so scared.. and i can only look down, stare at my toes, i'm not sure i'm strong enough to look into the light. so i stay amongst the dirt, the lies, the betrayal, the lost love, the hopelessness.

i just want something honest in these loves i keep desperately grasping. the second it comes i know it is real, but it is the only second i have and then it all comes crumbling down, washed away, cut off, regretted, taken back. i want something that is solid, genuine, honest-to-goodness; something that will last. as i've quoted the postal service before, "i want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real"; i want life and love thriving in the moment of the honest love that stays and does not leave me groping on for some bridge to close this distance. a broken bridge that i can't repair, or cross, for what i long to bring is too heavy for this kind of thing.

maybe that the kind of love i'm wanting does not exist. maybe it is all a misshapen hope that we constantly search for, but one that we can never hold to and build upon. maybe i'm one of those hopeless romantics, believing that true love between people does happen.

or maybe true love is real, blossoming, existing, just not the way we planned it. after all romance is only a particle of love, no? and one that i'm not sure i can trust.

everything that i wanted to believe, i can't, its so wrong, so gone. and everything i'm resisting believing is so true, so pure, so whole, so everlasting. what is wrong with me?

secrets are warping.
secrets are lethal.
take them away.
free me.
get me out of this place.
regret, remember.
shame, sorrow.
lost amongst the truth of all lies.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

whisper and the untolds


i have so many drafts. like 23 or something.
i never stop writing, never stop talking, yet its amazing how little i truly say.
i never stop my hyperactivity, never stop moving, yet its amazing how stone-stiff i still am.

i'm holding so much back in, so much art, so much anger.
i'm not really letting myself scream it, sound it out.
it all stays here, i got rid of so much, yet its all still so here.
i can't cry, i always slap myself back, it stings worse that way,

but i just can't let myself (i know you can't either, i know that you know).

i feel rather explosive, dear.

i don't think i will blow up, not really sure, as i already have the power of a bomb, but i think i will slowly, silently, begin to wilt away. oh, yes.

break me down now, open me up.

and the silent severed serenades,
softly in the starlight, now, stay still.
no sunshine speaks, no stars release,
when shall we be set free?
oh send me soaring, shining saviour;
whisper me away.
start out your swift silk melody,
and suffuse my aching soul.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

boxes/silently screaming



i'm not
gonna cry.
gonna talk.
gonna hold on.
gonna remember.

no one wants to hear me go on about this. NO one. so i won't.

i'm tired and sick. and this is a very dumb idea. its pointless and it makes me weak. so what am i doing? i don't know..

but i'm closing off again. its my only outlet, that box was comfy.

and blind.

this is so dumb, i can't believe myself.

but "you have broken me, all the way down, you'll be the last, you'll see."*

no more of this, nope. i'm going back into the cover of darkness. back to the proctection.

i wish you would stop me. i wish you would speak. i wish you could remember how. i can help you out, i can. but you have told me, you have told me not to try. and so you can't help me, i know you could, but you won't.

we could help eachother out here, if we could talk. but we are sore. we are hurt. we are stubborn. we are tired. we are blind. we are such jackasses.

you are screaming out in your silent march. i am silent in my constant screams.

you're in your box, and now i'm in mine. who will knock now?

(* from "all the way down" from once)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

my freedom on the horizon


I AM FREE!!!!!!!! FREEDOM IS MINE!!! I AM ALIVE, I AM ME, AND I AM FREE!!!! OH MY GOOOOOODNEESSSSSS!

i just deleted at least 2500 emails!!! emails that held so many promises, so many hopes, so many reminders of me being dropped, of the ends, of evaporations. but now, i can get out of there, of that rocky past imprinted in emails from october to june, and start living here, cuz its a new day from NOW on!

thank you to seth!!! WHOOO HOOO! he gets the credit! the credit for encouraging me to delete them, move on from my past, not just dig deeper in my little ditch, but work my way out!!! i thank him for helping me along, reread some and delete them all, all as i was weeping and sobbing and falling apart..

but do y'all know what this means?!?!

all of that from before, all of that not being able to forgive, not being able to forget, move on at all, all of that being stuck wallowing in my past, well all that is being ended slowly but surely. this was the first step, deleting all the crap that was back there, in its physical form, was so empowering, it was the first step i've taken upwards in a really long time. and getting rid all of that bahookie that was holding me down, all of that which is now melting away, all these bonds to my past that are evaporating, directly leads to my freedom!

and I'M doing it! I'M deleting these emails, I'M moving on, I'M cleaning up these wounds, I'M HEALING!!! with the support of my loverly, faithful, glorious, gracious, gracious friends and leaders! and i will be free, and alive, and well.. AND FREE!!! did i mention that already?!!! it don't matter, cuz FREEDOM IS ON THE HORIZON, AND I AM FLYING TOWARDS IT!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

the drunken colors of today/peace? (a jumbled, mumbled flock of poems)


i bit my nails off short again,
slammed once more to the wall.
i peeked back at you,
grimaced and sighed,
and remembered all we had been.

[sick to my stomach,
sick in my head,
dirt-rotten hangover,
drinking up love again.
i went too far,
too far to tell,
until it was over,
and i was too drunk to care.
but then it hurt,
and i refused,
refused to love like that again.]

time will tell if my nails grow back,
if my heart returns,
and i can love again.
clean up the blood,
and heal these scars,
hope once more,
and be fulfilled.

{the love of before,
of bliss and becomings,
was brazen and wine,
the warmth and the fire of touch.

the future was blank,
rough blacks and harsh whites,
waiting for us to fill in the color.
but no, now it stays, forever in starkness.

the present is clashing,
colliding, and crazy.
a jumble of neon,
until.. it is softened.}

i realize now, now after my moving,
that this was the right way to go.
i can see clearly, see cleanly,
its soft on my eyes, and now, i see, we may rest.

rest apart, but resting the same,
a forever-long break is welcomed
and wholesome.
we've finally found our peace.

Friday, June 8, 2007

peace


i would like to announce that i am a pacifist. i think i have been, or have been trying to be one, but announcing it makes it all the more.. official. well duh. but yeah. here for all of you who don't know,

pacifism is the opposition to war or violence as a means of settling disputes. Pacifism covers a spectrum of views ranging from the belief that international disputes can and should be peacefully resolved, to absolute opposition to the use of violence, or even force, under any circumstances. Pacifism is not limited to just war, but can include resisting to use any form of violence at all. (wikipedia)

this, however, doesn't mean i'm weak; this standing for peace and not fighting for myself and others destructively, but trying to resolve things wholistically and peacefully. nope. it does not. and even though socking someone in the face or blowing them away might seem like the most effective method immediately, in the long run, its only gonna come and sock you back, right?

"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

jus a bit o' lyrics


okay, i know i've put this on here before in different ways.. but like, its coming back and fitting more than ever, so i thought i'd put it up again. its part of some postal service lyrics. gotta love 'em. yesh.

I WANT SO BADLY TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS TRUTH THAT LOVE IS REAL.
AND I WANT LIFE IN EVERY WORD TO THE EXTENT THAT ITS ABSURD.

-"clark gable" the postal service.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

two headed snake: attack of the multiple maturity levels.


okay.. i've needed to post about this for a while now. tired of retelling it and forgetting who knows and who doesn't and blah de blah, so i'm just gonna explain it here. okay? okay.

i am a person of multiple maturity levels. a lot of people probably are. maybe. mine just happen to be a tad major, or bipolar. well not like the disorder, but like.. extreme opposites. there are two main maturity levels here, which i will explain.

there is the part of me which is your normal 14 year old girl, thinking about normal 14 year old girl stuff, how a 14 year old girl does. thats how its done. physically i am 14. relationally i am 14. i'm not necessarily immature, just.. normal.. yeah. well as normal as i can get, but still.

then there is the part of me that is more evident on this blog. the thoughtful, mature, and deep part. pensive, reflective, etc. (ehehe, "etc."). with my deeper aspects, cynical and romatic views, i am older. i think. and views of the world around me. but yeah..

for a while i was going through some really confused (well, really, what isn't for me?) soul searching business, like trying to find the real me. it was pretty hard to tell cuz sometimes one would come out and other times the other would, and it was pretty evenly spread out and similar length wise. so i was all perplexed, asking why there were so many "MEs" in me, and did i want them all there, and shouldn't there only be one ME, and which one is it, anyways? and all that stuff. and then i realized that that was just it, there was only one me, they were all me, it was all me. there was no one part, there was no one maturity level, they all were and they all were good. it didn't matter, i could live with it.

or thats what i thought.

until that blasted love came into the picture.

it left me dissatisfied, disappointed, torn, and more confused than ever. i won't explain, however. it already drove me nuts and i would prefer not to have to talk about it for a while.

i've worked it out, just to let you all know, but the problems keep coming. grr.

and so yeah, its just been tough, making decisions that i am afraid may kill or damage one part of me, or moving in directions that would allow one part of me to become dormant (is this sounding really familiar to you too?), and all that jazz. seperate feelings, seperate views, all inside me. i feel like a two headed snake. one part of me wanting to go this way, the other wanting to go that way, how will i ever survive in the wild?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

the floatation of my gum wrapper life


my life just floated lightly, whitely off the side of the couch, the arm, it was. i saw it out of the corner of my eye. it flew in the shape of a gum wrapper, it did.

only so long


running out of time
a bit fast, i must admit
so quick to leave me?

scream, what do you want?
turn around, sigh around, leave.
lone pigeon, one line.

it seems too late, too
late to start what has begun
we meant it to, yes.

we longed. for so long.
we did. something must happen,
we thought, too late though.

we didn't pause, no
hesitation, we flung our
selves into the wind.

we didn't begin
to wonder how we would catch,
we leapt together.

thoughtlessness molded
us. it bound us, held us tight.
we let it, we did.

but now that we're here,
time is speeding quickly past,
do we let it go?

stand still, stop stuck, stay.
left to the right, bash, bang, boom.
mumbled prayers, don't let

us collide, hold us
together and balanced, now
for once in our life.

misread your glances,
hold your hand, sweating, worried.
walk away, what have

i done?

look in my eyes, tell
me the truth, how long do we
want this, how long will

it go, despite fights,
fevers, foreigners? without
a gathering of

times, will there be a
story for us, a love to
remember if we

continue this way?
no time to waste, no time to
lose, not like this. the

sands of this time are
flitting freely through fingers
as we slip our hands

apart. no! please stay.
hold me for the rest, let me
see the love shine in the

breathless youthfulness
between our lives. remind me
of the new ahead,

whisper, it is good
we are okay, we will be,
no matter what we

see, we will live this
and remember as our new
beginning, our chance.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

another milestone


hullo beautiful, beautiful people of the world. today is my birthday, and i am now officially fourteen years old. heck yes. and let me tell you, its not as dumb or as "cursed" (we'll get to that) as i was expecting. and yes it does feel different, not exactly being fourteen compared to being thirteen, but that period of my life to this one. i'll explain a trifle later. for now, about today.

i have been treated very fine today, spending time with my family.. the highlight at this moment would be spending a good chunk of my day at dearest lacy park, man alive, i love that place. whoo whee. it just felt really good, running around, tossing balls, having a picnic, laughing.. i dunno, just really fresh and alive. i felt myself too, me coming back again, there was no pending stuff. it was just good. no worries. and its like everything vanished and what was left was that raw, naked version of me.. i dunno, bit of an essence? and i just felt blessed to have lived another year, even if it wasn't that pleasant at times, i LIVED it, made it through with the glorious, gracious help of everyone who kept me on my feet.. and i feel really blessed too because i know that i have made it here, and i know this year will be different, maybe not better, maybe not worse, but different, and for that i am thankful.

last night wasn't the best on record, no, not at all. i was really depressed and the most common question was, "who am i?". i was missing myself, i didn't even know who that was and i just.. felt so screwed up again, suffocated, and dying. it was awful. and i think i am beginning to see, right now, that that was the end of being 13. that was some of my major suffering reappearing, and i just kept thinking, around midnight that "this fourteen stuff ain't so sweet, not a good way to start, this beginning.. its cursed". but what i failed to realize is that that wasn't the beginning yet, that was the end of something, that period in my life, that "lost me" time.

but now, now i'm beginning to see that that time is behind me, there is no going back and this new road up ahead of me is a total blank canvas, and its mine to do with what i want. mine to live. sure things are gonna try to lurk up from the past travels and drag me back, but i think with this new map and view of the road, i might be able to fight them off and keep on marching. hopefully. other things are gonna come on my road, either to walk with me, keep me walking, or to try and hinder me, but whatever they do, it is part of this journey and i will keep on living it. i'm gonna live this. all of it. beacuse its mine to live. and for that i am thankful.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Life of a Cathedral


A cathedral on a hill. Six different rays of light. Dust in the shadows, dust in the light, dust filling the air, flitting off the walls, the ceilings, the floors, with only one thought: Pervade their lungs. Together they might be able to send them away, the intruders, they would cough their way out, out into the surreal, sun-blinded world, away from this place, to leave it in its harsh grey.

Peaceful, quiet, forgotten grey.

All feelings of loneliness had faded over the years, or rather, had been coated in dust just like the rest of itself. But now, now they came with their tools and their voices, uproariously unsettling all that once was; uncovering memories in the removal of the dust.

No. It could not be. The old cathedral sent its croaking voice, aged, cracked, monotonous as it was, out into the daylight, and caught the wind. The wind who had been its only companion all this long while, fleeting and fickle though it was, came, knew, and wordlessly fought. It called the dust, raised it, spun it, filled the cathedral. The muffled voices and the clanging metal against the cold stone continued to echo amidst the swirling dust. The wind rushed and blew, more powerfully than before, longing to help its old friend of the hills. Selflessly slamming into the stones, the people, the metal. Anything and everything was disturbed, hit by the wind.

All peace was broken.

Suddenly everything went quiet. The people had fled, but this new silence did not bring peace. All seemed lost. The cathedral silently reminisced in the emptiness. Years had gone by. It hadn’t heard voices in such a long time and when they finally came it was too sudden, too… alive. No preparation. The cathedral fought them away, tried to close them out, destroy them, anything. Anything… but now, now they were gone, gone with the peace, the wind, the light.

The desolate cathedral moaned. Too much remembering, old dreams, faded and frayed that had been worked out from under the dust now shone through the cathedral like lost, pure sunlight. Nothing could be done. The cathedral was alone again, alone all except for those excruciating memories. It saw itself now, this cathedral. Saw itself for what it was, bleak, weary, deteriorating. No. This lifelessness scared the cathedral, and nothing could be done… Wait for the dust to settle down once more, the cathedral wanted to tell itself.

Days past, the dust did settle, but the stupefied cathedral did not feel at all that way. It continuously tried to forget the pain that life brought, the warmth, the light, the noise, the company. But the cathedral became worried now, wondering if this lack of life may just be worse. The cathedral didn’t realize, however, that even though those who came carried hearts of metal only to demolish, it had once again been noticed. The pain was so acute, it deprived the cathedral of all hope.

Then one day with a creak of the door, a sliver of light, came a patch of flowing white muslin. A modest gasp followed by a patter of bare feet. The wind whistled by with the scent of a meddler, but became still. Waiting, watching. The cathedral was at first flustered, then quieted as the feet promptly stopped. Stopped in the middle of the cathedral. Breathlessly, softly, heavenly, the girl began to twirl, to dance, laugh, slowly and gently at first, then faster, louder, gloriously. The beauty of it all, this new feeling made the cathedral exhale, breathe out all the old dust, and everything it covered. This feeling was lovely. Brilliant. Glowing.

It was life.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

get ouht of this placfe3 (frantic hands/heavy head)


my head feels really heavey thats why i'm on the couch with my head back not looking at what i'm typing.. lets how it turn s out ..
i thinkn i'm holding too much stuff up there. .up here.. its affecting all of me, and it hurts realy bat.. i wish i could jst let some of this stuff go.. its all still there, all weighin g me doen. i'm feeling rso much hatred... and it s horribe, idk who atr, me him? all of us? COULD YOU JUST STIOO?! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPOPIGN?! THERE ARE PPL SUFFERIENG ANDWHAT AREE YOU DOING?~ orr.. like.. YOU HELP TOO MUCH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. i don't.. even know you.. or at mysrlf.. i jut feel like v'fve nmmmade too man y mistakes to be forgiven.. but rbrty ytim ie tyh try to bask for forgivenesss. i can't say a thing.. i mean, i don't know wat it is. atr alla.. and i'm feeliong like.. ike theres no where to go, no one will take me in ith all this hatred welling inside of me. i don't know what it its, so i don't know who to stip it. or myaybe.. no. i need to stop it. this parasire of fear and hatee. its AEDUL.
i'm really scared tho, i do'n't feel aything will ever mend. i'll just keep bleeding and trying to stem the flow, but it will never close up, i will never have a svar. i can't fo this my slsf. i need you hrlp, but i sure as hell don't qwant it. i'm rirted of askuing for help. nothing helps. wel.. no those are just distractions. nothing tryly toiucches me with thisbarrrier of hate and anger blogkiung all elseo ut. its not hea,thy not a t all, and i'm scafred.. i will never been healthy aabgain.. i feel like crying, like beaingt some ien up, like laying doen to reat. just fdor a little while.. just rest, i can' tresrt, suer i can sleep but when was rth elast time i rested? i feel so weary.. so eshausted.. and idkn what to do.. how to stop it.

i kleep thinkging about big bear, how i would love to go there with yu, and lhust.. have fun. its been so long, i just want to be away feom thse jealousys and forget it all.. we can ust be, brogheers and sisters.. just be a faminly again,.. thats all i want.

but then i think of holding hands.. two times have i actrually done it. first time, i hated for it, so mad, so sad,. second time i loved it, it felt so good, so interlaced.. warm.

i need to stop talking about this, i'm just distraciing myseldf. we need to stay focuse.. dno. it hurts dar to bad. i refuse. i just want to rest.. lay down on a blamnkiw in lacey park.. eyes, hands, the sunset sprinting..

i hate love. it hurts. i hate it. it stabs worse than lots of thinsfs.. it hurts. i'm tired o f it, i'm tired oif hutiung, i need to let it out. i have. haven't i? not i haven; stai doa word o f it, i haven's tsay id anything, vcuz i don't know waht to say, ineed to say evrerythign,. ot nothing. can you say something? please?. just be honest for ones.e just tell me the truth. i love you i hate you . i need you . i don't wanna. i akljfpslkdjvca

fk;vl'lkakj afalkfjn;ad.

freaking ou, i cn' tdo this, i tfon't wqnna , maybe i shjould becoime a stone agaon, just toikc. not pain, not gain. maybe i'm fing wwit hta. n=maybe not. you plrayed. and if i don't fget better, ithign will come for you. i need to get beteter,. i neef o grt barette. 8i fon' know how to grt better. help me.. please. no. pease. vibreations.. vibrations. bibreations.. too mucn passion. i neec this tho. help me get out of this place.

io don't know how to get you out of this plac, oi cdon't knmow how to get yuou outt of hit splace. i don't know how to get you outt of this place.

i don't fell good.

Monday, May 7, 2007

whats up with the heat?!


i know many of us were ticked about the heat today, mid 90s, no breeze, no clouds. our stiff, sticky, and sweaty selves would trudge around grumbling, "grr.. global warming."

we all know that this blasted "global warming" is making it the world hotter, i mean duh, global = world.. warming = heat, you'd have to be an idiot not to know that, buuuuut, how many of us know what global warming is? honestly. here, i'll give you a quote from http://www.stopglobalwarming.org (a website you all must visit)...

"The Earth as an ecosystem is changing, attributable in great part to the effects of globalization and man. More carbon dioxide is now in the atmosphere than has been in the past 650,000 years. This carbon stays in the atmosphere, acts like a warm blanket, and holds in the heat — hence the name ‘global warming.’

The reason we exist on this planet is because the earth naturally traps just enough heat in the atmosphere to keep the temperature within a very narrow range - this creates the conditions that give us breathable air, clean water, and the weather we depend on to survive. Human beings have begun to tip that balance. We've overloaded the atmosphere with heat-trapping gasses from our cars and factories and power plants. If we don't start fixing the problem now, we’re in for devastating changes to our environment. We will experience extreme temperatures, rises in sea levels, and storms of unimaginable destructive fury. Recently, alarming events that are consistent with scientific predictions about the effects of climate change have become more and more commonplace."

tuff stuff man.

and i mean, we can all go around with our grumbles, "blasted global warming..!", buuuuuut whos fault is it really? and whos working to fix it? are we just gonna keep complaining or are we gonna start getting our sunny, breezy, 75 degree so cal weather?

okokok.. i guess i can't blame us totally, we are a tad ignorant, i need to fill y'all in! so we know what it is, but what can any of us do about it, that is the question! ok, here see,

uhm.. well this is what i'm doing..

1. go to youtube and watch "i need to wake up" by melissa etheridge.
- "wow" in disgusted awe a bit as you are clued in and prepared to make a difference
2. go to http://www.stopglobalwarming.org and
- join the virtual march
- learn some more
3. rent "an inconvienient truth"
4. make your difference (i.e. plant trees, ride bikes, buy organic stuff, take shorter showers, reuse, reduce, recycle, etc.)

and so yeah, i know this stuff can be freaky, and we'll be all, "agh! its the end of the world! theyre is NO hope!" and stuff, but really we can do stuff to turn it around, its not irreversible, its not futile, its not the end! we can stop this, we can change things, turn em back, right?

aware

Saturday, May 5, 2007

take my breath away (clockwork)


life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. -anonymous.

last nite was amazing. me and some buddies went to see spida-man at the mall. it was packed. i don't think the movie was my favorite part. i think just being there with people i love. man alive. i don't think one thing went wrong (cept maybe that popcorn). i can honestly say, it was all good. all good..

it was so nice.. and cozy, and comfortable. smiley and cinnamon sugar coated. blissful and bright. chipper and changing. i felt really, really good..

the smiles. the pretzels. the water.

the hands, the fingers, the eyes.

oh, man. oh, man. oh, man. whoo whee..

i felt so hyped up, so strong, so.. senselessly included. welcomed.

it all fit. all interlaced. all worked. clockwork..

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

we puzzle: lovely? cow dung?


troubled by mem'ries,
recent and fresh, noticed too.
like baby cow dung.

amidst the action,
nothing is more beautiful.
start of the lovely.

glance to backward lands,
looking for duller grasses,
asking, were we right?

the cusp of our hearts
ignites many wonderings.
to be or.. maybe...

check ahead, check back,
which way to go? we puzzle,
is this where its right?

we hear many tales,
some become our own, some theirs,
are these all we sense?

we map it all out,
look where we've been, where to go
but who will take us?

its in our hands now,
unsure, and shaking. can we?
together, will we?

Saturday, April 28, 2007

intoxication


i have been so quick to anger as of late. its just every little thing stabs me, drives me out of my peace, which by the way is shrinking. i glare, i grr, i just become infuriated, and its all so quick, because i can lose it just as fast. but my temper keeps flaring and my head keeps whirling and i just am almost always in irate tears. i feel so horribly disgusted and so, so mad at myself for it. i keep wanting to pound someone to the ground, just beat the living daylights outta someone. its so appalling, and it hurts real bad, all the violence, all the stress, all the fury, all the wreckage. it just.. kills.

i have been thinking about it a lot when i can squeeze it in during my times of peace and reflection, and nothing is really helping, the anger always returns so rapidly. i just don't really know what to do. i feel so helpless and enraged. it might be because i am really tired, i hope thats it, but a lot of what i get mad about is valid.. but i guess i still shouldn't be acting this way.

i have also been thinking about things done to me in the past and things i've done in the past. its been rough, but not that brutal, i think thats because i've let a lot of it out... i think i've let a lot of it out.. but i don't think i've forgiven all that much of it. truly forgiven all the people.. truly forgiven myself. and so despite the release of these angers they still swarm around me. instead of holding them inside of me, and letting them rot me through, i have breathed them out, but they haven't left, they just stay and intoxicate the air i breathe. i feel so choked up. so constricted, but i can't.. i just can NOT let go..

we thought we were starving...


ok, so i just got back from my 30 Hour Famine.. a thing from World Vision for youth groups where we fast for (guess how many) 30 hours earning money and seeing how it feels to be without food for that long. we don't eat so other people can and this whole time we're doing service projects [that (erg..) usually involve food]. and i mean its really fun and stuff, and yeah. but this year a lot of things have REALLY hit me. and it ain't that hott.

ok, so we were split into tribe teams and me and this one dude were a team and we had to go shopping at markets with only 15 dollars and buy food with the best variety, amount, and nutritional value. so as we were going we would go by all this stuff like cake mix and i would be like, "oooooooh..!", but then i would remember that we really needed the protein from the beans and stuff, and since we were on a budget, that was our top priority. and in the end we had like 1 bag of food that coulda really fed us for a couple of days, and it just whacked me really REALLY hard how excessively i live and all the food i take in is just so overindulgent.. and its like i just make eating a habit like i don't have to think about it, worry about it at all, its just there, and i eat it. like every time i walk by the pantry i'll grab a box of cheez-its and my eating is almost constant. and now it just makes me so sick cuz like.. in so many other places in the world eating is not constant at all, its not regular and its not always available, quite the contrary actually. it could be day, week or MONTH long intervals between meals, and here i sit scarfing like theres no tomorrow, and i know that i will have food tomorrow, and the next day, i will be provided for, and in the rest of the world, for some of these people, there ACTUALLY will be no tomorrow. not like this. not at the rate their eating. and its very unlikely that these children in these poverty and disease stricken families will be provided for, all this work is not enough.

i felt really good about doing this whole famine thing, i can stop eating for a while, let the children eat. but its like, at the end we just all sit there, cramming food, just stuffing our faces, and its only been 1 day and a 1/4!!! i mean, seriously, i was watching my friends and i couldn't eat my half plate of food, i was so disgusted. we all would whine during the famine, "ohhhh, i'm STARVING!!!" but we are so not. not comparitively. its like we will NEVER really know that suffering. not at all. we all knew that we were going to be fed, we would get our food, we would be provided for, there was no real pain or worry. we will never have to feel that suffering, not me. i feel so blessed, but this is way too much. everyone should be blessed with the necessities of life, it shouldn't be a blessing, it should be a given, right? and i mean if we all just shared..

while we were fasting, this woman who had done a mission trip to hawaii came to talk to us. and she said that back in hawaiis history there was no owned land. no one had property, it was the earths and they lived on it, worked on it, and allowed it to grow. no one owned it because it was no one's to own, it was there and it was shared, from the mountains to the beaches.

isn't that a beautiful thing? thats how the earth was, thats how it should be. there is enough resources for everyone. EVERYONE. but the world we are living in now has more than 20,000 people dying EVERY DAY of extreme poverty. where here we are filling our stomachs to the limits. we eat our portion AND theirs!!! does that make ANY sense to you, at ALL?! no. i mean, if we all just shared a bit, did what we learned in preschool ["sharing is caring..." (PRESCHOOL PEOPLE!!!)] we could just feed so many, save so many lives, we could end poverty.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

stuck still


today i felt very.. uhm, disappointed? frustrated? shruggy?

i feel stuck somewhere and i might be standing still, i might be going backwards, but i don't feel like i'm going anywhere. every time i get to lunge ahead is during these.. moments. they are just amazing and they ignite me and just make me feel so.. just brilliant. but i mean, they seem so rare, they are getting smash-ed by the weight of normality--humdrummity. and i just don't know if i should stay here waiting, staring... longing. i mean, is there anything more to give? anything more to take? i don't want to think about these things. not at all. (i want to... hold you and mean it. thats something. thats something to give. to take. to share.)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

i.. don't.. know.. why i.. feel.. so.. tongue.. tiiiiiiiiiiied.

ok, i'm doing it again. stretching my annoyingness on a bit farther and posting lyrics without a video.. its just cuz i'm too darn lazy, and i'd rather go to sleep, but here.. these lyrics kinda fit for today.. a bit. the end is a bit more what i'm staring at, the second half, thats the part i keep on.. singing. for all of yous who don't know what myxomatosis is, i do believe its some sorta bunny disease. you guys all need to ask me to show you the song tomorrow.. or asap. cuz its like totally different and way more disconcerting than how it looks. ok? i mean, thats radiohead for you. i guess you could youtube it, cuz you know i ain't got the video here, but i don't know if its any good.. so just listen to the song. you know what. whateva this is really pissing me off. just.. here.

myxomatosis
by radiohead

The mongrel cat came home
Holding half a head
Proceeded to show it off
To all his new found friends
He said I been where I liked
I slept with who I like
She ate me up for breakfast
She screwed me in a vice
But now
I don't know why
I feel so tongue-tied
I sat in the cupboard
And wrote it down real neat
They were cheering and waving
Cheering and waving
Twitching and salivating like with myxomatosis
But it got edited fucked up
Strangled beaten up
Used in a photo in time magazine
Buried in a burning black hole in devon
I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis
Yeah no one likes a smart ass but we all like stars
But that wasn't my intention, I did it for a reason
It must have got mixed up
Strangled beaten up
I got myxomatosis
I got myxomatosis
I don't know why I
Feel so tongue-tied

Monday, April 23, 2007

relational ADD


it seems things last for such short times now, everything is so fleeting and fickle and fast.

it just seems as if there is no space anymore. no space to make mistakes, no space to mend them. everything we do seems threatened with minimal time and space that its impossible to know where things start and where things end. everything is so fidgety, moving constantly. there is little time to pause, for fear of sudden changes, we feel we need to stay on our toes. there seems to be little time to rest assured.

we do not yet know where the boundaries lie, we see only faded lines and we only know that we've passed them once we actually have. by that time it may seem too late. it is so hard to follow.

the assurances given me, promised me... just seem to make me so UNsure.. i just don't know. how can i? how can any of us truly know? i need to.. it has been too long, too much time of me abiding in ignorance, or soaking myself in false beliefs, that i NEED to know, be sure at all times. i know that is asking a lot. i know, and i am sorry.

and i mean, the automatic response would be total trust, right? and i agree 'cept for the fact that some of the people i trust the MOST have.. well not LIED per se, just not told the truth--they didn't say anything at all, just let things slide. so yeah, its just tough. and i wish i could always believe them.. but its just like, not anymore. so i'm stuck just feeling like its all going downhill with one misunderstood look, or one period of indifference.. which kills.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

myb.

'm vry srry bt tht lst pst. vry srry. 'tws vry lng, vry msrbl, rd, nd pstry. 'm s srry. y dn't hve t rd t. myb y shldn't, tht wy y'll sty sf. r myb y jst shld, myb t wld b bttr tht wy, f y knw. myb thr ws bttr rsn thn jst my vntng, myb y ll nd t hr ths. myb.

h, mn. h, mn! nw y'll gnn gt md t m, knw t! ghhh.. 'm s srry.. t y t m.

oh, my... look!


ok.. you know that feeling..? where everything is going so well, its all good, everyone seems happy, its almost perfect and totally clear, and then all of a sudden your little masterpiece is blown apart, and your eyes fly open and what you see isn't all that pretty. the wreckage, the pain, the disturbance is all up on you, filling your nostrils, burning your eyes, and when you cry you know its not just because of the crap swirling in the sky, you've lost your bliss, your beauty. its like those picture windows: crisp clean glowing meadows, cloudless sky.. but then some rabid monster-- or savior-- comes outta nowhere and rips it to shreds, leaving the mess you've been covering up: a huge gnarly forest burning up into the darkness, dead stuff all over the ground. shudders. ok, its not necessarily THAT serious, but still..

ok, so you feeling me?

and i mean, it could be that the gorgeousness of it all, the perfection, is REAL, its alive and thriving and glorious, and the freak that came out of nowhere to attack the beauty is just some con man trying to get you to see something that is not really happening, and scare you out of your mind. maybe.

you wish. but who really knows? could be, no?


PART ONE

girl. in love with some boy. its been like this for a while now. just keeps getting deeper, worse, we could say. way too much pain, no balance at all. so lopsided. they both know. lots of people probably do. she begins to fall apart, seeing love as nothing but a way to destruction. how can this go anywhere good?

something new! dragging her out of this pain. helping her forget, move on. make new memories. ecstasy! he fills her with confidence, a power to see that its ok. all that she's been through, all that she's done..its all ok. they must move on. its time to learn. to teach. to apologize. to forgive. its brilliant. beautiful. it feels so good. so strong. it is shared. it is even. it is good. finally something returned. balance.

she doesn't forget the one she fell in love with, but she doesn't try to remember. he should be happy, right? he should be happy for her. maybe he is. he wouldn't want her to feel the pain that exists when she falls for him. would he? he doesn't want her to love him like that, it hurts her. maybe he doesn't mind, he can do nothing about the pain. really.

she's never really been to this place before. not really. she finds it so exciting and every thought and sense brings a grin to her face. she hasn't been this happy in ages. she can't stop smiling. she is glowing again, who would've thought he brought it with him? he was the one to come and light her up? what does it matter, they share this goodness together. together. smiling..

she is scared of going back, back to the one she loved like that. maybe because of his protection for her; how will he react? maybe because she might start to fall again, and she cannot have that. she doesn't want it, but who said love was controllable? it doesn't matter, these fears, she fingers the situation again, and it feels ok. her relationship with him is actually stronger and more even than before, now that they both see eachother as the siblings they saw eachother as before. before she started to give in. it is good.

she starts to remember, the closer he gets.. the recollection is acute, she sees it all happening again. the sleeping. the stroking. the peace. the beauty. it was an innocent hand warming ritual, just fingers clasped.. so warmly, so powerfully together. the interlacing.. warmth flows through her-- suddenly she pulls away, the cold coming back fast now. no. this is impossible. neither of them are here. not one. they aren't here. not like this. the end. this isn't happening. no.

INTERMISSION!!!

"the walk"
by imogen heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

PART TWO

the next day. she remembers it all. head.. throbbing.. must find some quiet. no more voices reminding her of what she did. and what can she do? oh, what can she do?! she doesn't want this. not at all. she does NOT. she loves the previous happiness, so alive, so.. magnificent. she wants her confidence. this is a problem. she doesn't want it like this. she looks back into the eyes of the source of her recent happiness, she wants that again. she needs it.

does she really? (please don't ask that) does he really? (oh, no..) is everyone sure? (i need to know fast.) is she just running again? running from that pain, to this blissful, watered-down chaos. the goodness. is she? (over my head.)

NO. she loves them all. she does. she does. still here, still loving.

she is pissed. she feels so angry, taunted, tempted.

that old love. her lovey... did he do that on purpose? he knows how she gets when he does stuff like that. he knows, she knows. its obvious. did he try to slap her back? (BACK INTO WHAT?!) does he want her to be in love with him again? (back into THAT reverie?) IMPOSSIBLE! is he trying to hurt her? he can't want her to love him like that, not now, not like this, not with what has happened. (he wouldn't dare.) was he just trying to save her? to make her see? (any of the above?)

she pulls away. away.. away. back into the arms of her fellow wandering, floating, mean-well friends, her lovers. but is this really where she is meant to be?

(too many questions. too many. just turn back. back into that clarity, back into that free, balanced, wholesome, innocent liking. can't she?)

she will. she has to. she wants to. she needs to. she still does feel that way. yes, she does. indeed. don't worry, sweet.

(take a look at me now..)

Monday, April 16, 2007

taking it all back in


ok.. it was the first day back to school after that glorious restful spring break, and i must say, it wasn't as bad as i was expecting, not at all. i think i was almost ready to go back, oddly enough, missing all the people like mad. i mean sure, it all came tidal-waving back, all the work, all the having to stay in class and focus, but i think i did pretty well with all the stress and nonsense and crap..

in CLASS.

but outside, with the people.. not so much. i was totally freaking out for a good part of the morning, with confusion and awkwardness after seeing people that i have spent so much time with over so much of the break, via electronics, but not physically. it all just added to the "no touchy"ness of the air. it became ok though, eventually, i began to be able to speak understandably again, and i stopped staring and banging my head against stuff.

just chilled and grinned and remembered.

it became pretty good, and smiley, and hopeful. and i mean, instead of treating the knowledge i now have as some virus or foreign object, carefully stepping around the edges of the wide berth i gave it, i can now sort of accept it and take it in, and use it as a bond to make relationships stronger and brighter, y'know? its really good, and since i have sorta adapted back into this atmosphere a bit, i can take it all in and start over in a way, let myself find peace, and a new way of looking at things, let myself build things up..

i'm feeling good again, about all this, hopeful and full of ideas. i feel blessed and open and chipper. i feel strong and able and ready. i am confident, i am bright, i am here.

Friday, April 13, 2007

trying on a different view


lately, i've been wearing 3-D glasses (even though mine don't look quite like that).

i don't exactly know why. i don't see in 2-D, and am just hoping to see more clearly.. like that psycho flash dude thought. oi.

maybe i'm trying to see the world a bit differently. or maybe i just want the world to see me a bit differently. just a different view. we need more of those. if we could see a bit differently, just to understand what others are seeing, then maybe we could make something different. maybe something we don't normally see anymore. like goodness.

there will be people walking by saying "nice glasses, retard." or something equally horrible, but maybe they just need to try them on, maybe then they'd understand. maybe they won't. but a whole other sightline is out there for them.. if they'd just look. if they could just try to see something differently.

did you say.. ROLLER COASTER?!


I WENT TO SIX FLAGGGGGS!!! WHOOHOO! i've never, ever, ever been there in my LIFE! and it was the best time i've had in ages, and after recent events, i really needed that.

i never knew i loved roller coasters so much up until today.. they are splendiferious! i couldn't believe it! and i mean, even though i didn't get to go on the legendary tatsu (sheesh, that line was like 12 years long!!!), i've seen a whole new arrangement and side of roller coasters.. ow! ow! and its like you've got this amazing sense of fear but it is totally overruled by excitement and adrenalin.

this is what i went through before every ride.

first (the idiotic, height/speed induced fear)

"oh.. my.. gawwwwwwsh. look how high that is, ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! is it scary? how fast do you go? aghhhh. my stomach hurts, you people are crazy! crazy i tell you! gasp! gasp! gasp! gasp! GASP!"

then (finally i come to reason, or.. well as close as I can get..)

"wait, why on earth should i be scared? i mean like one person of every 67,893, 400, 052 people die on these, and i mean, i doubt i'm that one. but hey who knows? but i mean, seriously. and whos to say i'm not CRAZY?!"

finally (the dancing, the hopping, the wild eyes!)

"GASP! GASP! GASP! WHOOOOO HOOOOOO! OH, OH, OH! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST! i.. am.. so.. EXCITED!!! I CAN'T WAIT! OOOOOOH! IS THIS ONE FUN! ITS GONNA BE FUN! IT HAS TO BE FUN! ITS NEW FOR ME! IT MUSTTTTT! WHOOOO HOOO!"

and so yeah.. and as you go, every feeling, every tremor to your body, all fear, all thrill.. all paralleling the tracks.

the suspense going up-- click-click-click-click--is so unbearable, and then they pause on the tip right before the drop and your just screaming "WHY?! why are we STOPPED?! GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!!" and then they do and your screaming and laughing and whooping! its like.. electrifying. and there was this one, and i like couldn't scream anymore, i was going so fast i couldn't breathe, and my ears were flooding and i couldn't feel a thing. ohhh, man that was it. i was enthralled at that point. and we went and went and flipped and twirlled and dropped and it was all so exhilirating. and after.. i'm clapping and yelling and whooping and.. man.. i could do that over, and over, and over, and over, and...

whoo.. hott diggity damn. thats all i have to say.

i think i'm in love..

Thursday, April 12, 2007

here's the thing (linkin park: what i've done)

ok, people. this is whats happening.. ok? this is the plan..

what i've done
linkin park

in this farewell,
there’s no blood,
there’s no alibi.
‘cause i've drawn regret,
from the truth,
of a thousand lies.

so let mercy come,
and wash away…

what i’ve done.
i’ll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i've done.

put to rest,
what you thought of me.
while i clean this slate,
with the hands,
of uncertainty.

so let mercy come,
and wash away…

what i’ve done.
i'll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i've done.

for what i’ve done

i start again,
and whatever pain may come.
today this ends,
i'm forgiving what i’ve done.

i'll face myself,
to cross out what i’ve become.
erase myself,
and let go of what i’ve done.

what I’ve done.

forgiving what i’ve done.

regenerated genesis


as you (hopefully) can see, i am starting a new blog. who knows if this is a mere side project, or a whole new beginning in my world of blogging? whatever it is, its a twist in the online adventurings.. right?

as many of you have probably seen, my other blog has become increasingly more.. uhm.. freaky? its been depressing and confusing, and some of you can no longer read it for those reasons alone. some of you never did, cause you believe that anything i create must be annoying, so you didn't even venture a peek. so wait why would you be reading this one? ok, you won't be.. so these last sentences are.. pointless. oh, well.

ANYways, i want to bring you back! so.. i've decided to make this blog, and i've decided to make it more like.. who i was.. you remember? just not as.. dying, self-pitying, and all.. floppy. more alive, vibrant, and confident. 'member me? well, i'm tired of who i'm becoming if i stay on this road, its depressing and can only end in.. uhm.. destruction (?) and that, in general is bad. i want to be constructive, creative, and (i can tell this is getting really inspiring! don't you feel it?!) clean! ok thats enough! this is getting too cheesy. ugh..

ok, back to the point. so i just wanta be pro-_________, yknow? not so negative.. cuz its really not getting anywhere. yeah.. well it'll make more sense as the blog grows, this is just an intro.. right? so we're all good, yeah? yeah..