(flush) say goodbye

bleh. its all going down. somebody around here flushed the toilet i live in and everything here is whirlying its way down.

my relationships are crumbling, one by one, leaving me distanced and empty. i feel abandoned. but, oh yes, there is good reason for this fleeing of my friends. i make too many mistakes too many times.. i'm just too much.

but all of this rubble is leaving me blind of what i do have here for me. but i'm so scared, so faithless.. scared to see if the rest have all gone, and at the same time scared to see if they are still there, because it will only leave me not believing that they'll stay.

the absentness is already shaking up my knees, and i know its coming for my heart. but i shall build up this rubble of ruined relationships and protect myself behind a wall once more.

and now, my only outlet, sports, is gone too. i have no way to get it off my shoulders and feel the adrenaline rush through me and lead all the rottenness out my lungs. away from my heart.

i can't do any volleyball, i am so out of it, it all feels so wrong, so backwards. i can't play soccer, can't dribble, can't kick, can't keep it up. i can't throw a baseball, can't catch, can't get into the movement. all i can do is run. and run. and run. but i'm so tired of running, but my legs keep pressing on, trying to run away from all this mess, but the poison never can leave my chest, and i fall heaving, surrounded by my failed..sanity. blast.

let me cry for now tonight, love.
say you'll catch my shame-filled tears,
tell me you'll take them to turn them,
and show them of times
when they
could burn and breathe and become the
stars we'd look to in darkness,
when we'd be dancing and daring,
and all we needed
was light.