where am i going?/open up.

i'm sorry about these poems, these posts, they're becoming like the last blog: thoroughly depressing and ever enunciating these struggles. i was about to start a new blog and make it more yknow... like how this one was supposed to be "more alive, vibrant, and confident... i want to be constructive and creative." yeah, but the only problem was that i didn't feel confident or creative or constructive. i don't feel alive and glowy.. no shiny happy people. hhh.

"-i need to walk on, do this alone.-

-but you're never alone, those aren't your footprints.- "

i mean really. to be totally honest with you still faithful friends, i feel like i'm becoming everything i always hated, everything i never wanted to be: dependent, needy, clingy. destructive, not at all confident, and strangled. like.. i want to scream this all out, but i don't know what to scream. i want to destroy this box i'm backing into, but when i try to think about it, i only cling tighter to the surrounding walls. i want to escape, but thats the only thing i can't do.

"-yes i am alone, i can't see anyone here.-

-but where do you feel them, not recognize them with your physical senses, but with your soul. open up.-"

i'm at a total standstill, facing myself but refusing to fully look. i have no idea what to do, where to put my trust, and everytime i look at a solution i see how it will only keep me from going on. well whats the point of that? nothing is working, i don't know what to do. okay, you hear me? i don't know what to do. what more can i cry? how can i hear you?

"-i can't feel it, i'm closed off.-

-even if you close off from everything outside of you, you still have your insides, your heart, your soul, your mind. listen.-"

i feel directionless.

"-i can't hear. i need to find where i'm going, i need someone to lead me there.-

-you know where you're going, just be quiet for a bit. listen.-"


where do we go when we can't find our leader? where do we go when we're scared and comfort around us is falling down and we need to walk on feeling ever alone, but never alone; blinded from our surroundings by our fear and our need for solitude.

"-lead me. lead me on.-

-you are going, you are being lead. open your eyes.-"