true love? yeah. riiiight.

i don't understand. i mean i do, i know what happened, but why is it like this? i just feel so off.. so cut off or remote and i still have so many questions screaming from my heart and blasting the walls of my brain, but they never reach my lips, never.. my tongue holds it all, tipping, dripping back down my throat.

i just want some love that is true or real or lasting or pure. and i mean, i know where i can find it, i know, i just have trouble reaching that place, and i need support, and its all stepping back now. so in my resistance or fear or cluelessness, i start to doubt that love can last, or really truly exist for that matter. i know i can get the essence of all love, but i'm so scared.. and i can only look down, stare at my toes, i'm not sure i'm strong enough to look into the light. so i stay amongst the dirt, the lies, the betrayal, the lost love, the hopelessness.

i just want something honest in these loves i keep desperately grasping. the second it comes i know it is real, but it is the only second i have and then it all comes crumbling down, washed away, cut off, regretted, taken back. i want something that is solid, genuine, honest-to-goodness; something that will last. as i've quoted the postal service before, "i want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real"; i want life and love thriving in the moment of the honest love that stays and does not leave me groping on for some bridge to close this distance. a broken bridge that i can't repair, or cross, for what i long to bring is too heavy for this kind of thing.

maybe that the kind of love i'm wanting does not exist. maybe it is all a misshapen hope that we constantly search for, but one that we can never hold to and build upon. maybe i'm one of those hopeless romantics, believing that true love between people does happen.

or maybe true love is real, blossoming, existing, just not the way we planned it. after all romance is only a particle of love, no? and one that i'm not sure i can trust.

everything that i wanted to believe, i can't, its so wrong, so gone. and everything i'm resisting believing is so true, so pure, so whole, so everlasting. what is wrong with me?

secrets are warping.
secrets are lethal.
take them away.
free me.
get me out of this place.
regret, remember.
shame, sorrow.
lost amongst the truth of all lies.