two headed snake: attack of the multiple maturity levels.

okay.. i've needed to post about this for a while now. tired of retelling it and forgetting who knows and who doesn't and blah de blah, so i'm just gonna explain it here. okay? okay.

i am a person of multiple maturity levels. a lot of people probably are. maybe. mine just happen to be a tad major, or bipolar. well not like the disorder, but like.. extreme opposites. there are two main maturity levels here, which i will explain.

there is the part of me which is your normal 14 year old girl, thinking about normal 14 year old girl stuff, how a 14 year old girl does. thats how its done. physically i am 14. relationally i am 14. i'm not necessarily immature, just.. normal.. yeah. well as normal as i can get, but still.

then there is the part of me that is more evident on this blog. the thoughtful, mature, and deep part. pensive, reflective, etc. (ehehe, "etc."). with my deeper aspects, cynical and romatic views, i am older. i think. and views of the world around me. but yeah..

for a while i was going through some really confused (well, really, what isn't for me?) soul searching business, like trying to find the real me. it was pretty hard to tell cuz sometimes one would come out and other times the other would, and it was pretty evenly spread out and similar length wise. so i was all perplexed, asking why there were so many "MEs" in me, and did i want them all there, and shouldn't there only be one ME, and which one is it, anyways? and all that stuff. and then i realized that that was just it, there was only one me, they were all me, it was all me. there was no one part, there was no one maturity level, they all were and they all were good. it didn't matter, i could live with it.

or thats what i thought.

until that blasted love came into the picture.

it left me dissatisfied, disappointed, torn, and more confused than ever. i won't explain, however. it already drove me nuts and i would prefer not to have to talk about it for a while.

i've worked it out, just to let you all know, but the problems keep coming. grr.

and so yeah, its just been tough, making decisions that i am afraid may kill or damage one part of me, or moving in directions that would allow one part of me to become dormant (is this sounding really familiar to you too?), and all that jazz. seperate feelings, seperate views, all inside me. i feel like a two headed snake. one part of me wanting to go this way, the other wanting to go that way, how will i ever survive in the wild?