another milestone

hullo beautiful, beautiful people of the world. today is my birthday, and i am now officially fourteen years old. heck yes. and let me tell you, its not as dumb or as "cursed" (we'll get to that) as i was expecting. and yes it does feel different, not exactly being fourteen compared to being thirteen, but that period of my life to this one. i'll explain a trifle later. for now, about today.

i have been treated very fine today, spending time with my family.. the highlight at this moment would be spending a good chunk of my day at dearest lacy park, man alive, i love that place. whoo whee. it just felt really good, running around, tossing balls, having a picnic, laughing.. i dunno, just really fresh and alive. i felt myself too, me coming back again, there was no pending stuff. it was just good. no worries. and its like everything vanished and what was left was that raw, naked version of me.. i dunno, bit of an essence? and i just felt blessed to have lived another year, even if it wasn't that pleasant at times, i LIVED it, made it through with the glorious, gracious help of everyone who kept me on my feet.. and i feel really blessed too because i know that i have made it here, and i know this year will be different, maybe not better, maybe not worse, but different, and for that i am thankful.

last night wasn't the best on record, no, not at all. i was really depressed and the most common question was, "who am i?". i was missing myself, i didn't even know who that was and i just.. felt so screwed up again, suffocated, and dying. it was awful. and i think i am beginning to see, right now, that that was the end of being 13. that was some of my major suffering reappearing, and i just kept thinking, around midnight that "this fourteen stuff ain't so sweet, not a good way to start, this beginning.. its cursed". but what i failed to realize is that that wasn't the beginning yet, that was the end of something, that period in my life, that "lost me" time.

but now, now i'm beginning to see that that time is behind me, there is no going back and this new road up ahead of me is a total blank canvas, and its mine to do with what i want. mine to live. sure things are gonna try to lurk up from the past travels and drag me back, but i think with this new map and view of the road, i might be able to fight them off and keep on marching. hopefully. other things are gonna come on my road, either to walk with me, keep me walking, or to try and hinder me, but whatever they do, it is part of this journey and i will keep on living it. i'm gonna live this. all of it. beacuse its mine to live. and for that i am thankful.